Just a lump of clay

You have worth.

2012-01-22T17:16:00.001-06:00

The topic of discussion at church this month as been "The One and Only You". We've talked about the worth we have and the fact that the Creator of the Universe loves us. That the truest things about us are what God says about us. The fact that we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

God has seemed to be placing this message in front of me often the last few weeks whether it's through church, discussions I've had, or random references and it really got my attention today. I realized how much I long to affirm in people their worth and show them why. I want everyone I come in contact with to be listened to, heard, valued, and cherished.

Almost daily I look into the eyes of a child, teenager, or adult and see that they really don't think they matter. I know I've been there. Thinking your life doesn't matter, that you're just taking up space, that your life has no importance. But it's simply not true.

So if anyone is actually reading this please be reminded of this today:

You are important. You were created for a purpose. The Lord rejoices over you with singing and you were fearfully and wonderfully made. No matter what anyone has told you are loved by the Creator of the Universe and the Maker of the Heavens and Earth. You are the only you so there's no reason to waste time trying to be someone else. God created you for a reason and you are beautiful.

My prayer is that God would give me the opportunity to show people this truth especially the beautiful girls I get to work with each week. This truth gets lost so easily in a world saturated with the idea that who you are and what you have just isn't good enough.

I want to change that.

23 Things.

2012-01-10T01:16:00.000-06:00

Last year I made a list of 22 things that I learned or that happened in my 22 years of life on my birthday and my birthday just came to a close so I decided to continue on the tradition. So here is a list of 23 things...things that I've learned this past year and things that have happened.

1. I love to travel. Once again it was a good year filled with road trips back and forth to Michigan, visits to Seattle and a super fun family trip to Florida with us all.

2. I realized the phrase "count your blessings" is very wise. I am so blessed by the people in my life and the place the Lord has me and I take it all for granted too easily.

3. True friendship and community is beyond valuable. My friendships and community in Nashville has grown in size and depth this last year and for that I'm so thankful.

4. My love for music and for good music has expanded this year. I love hearing what people are listening to and discovering new bands. I got to go to a lot of great concerts this year too! One of which was Ray LaMontagne and another The Civil Wars...both so so good!!

5. Be the person you would want to be friends with. Do what you would want others to do.

6. Sometimes you just need to take a step back and gain perspective of your current situation. It makes a world of a difference.

7. I love seeing plays and musicals. I got to see Les Miserables and Dreamgirls at TPAC and they were both so great!

8. A continued struggle I wrestle with is asking where do I receive my validation? My people pleasing tendencies make me seek the approval of others, but I'm reminded continually how our validation must come from God and our identity as a child of His.

9. Do today well. We are not guaranteed tomorrow.

10. Boundaries. Ugh...I'm constantly learning what it means to have boundaries in my life and it's hard. This will probably be highlighted again in my 24th year of life.

11. I think in my 23rd year of life I had about 20 friends who either had a baby or were pregnant. The last week of December three friends had babies. It is a little out of control, but also so beautiful. I have learned more about birth, breast feeding, and baby life than I knew before, but I guess I would need to know this all eventually right?

12. I love to laugh. I know almost everyone would say they love to laugh, but I've realized I really love to laugh. There's just nothing better than watching a movie and laughing til there's tears in your eyes or staying up late with a friend laughing until your stomach hurts or having a whole conversation in jokes (right Mandy Smith). :)

13. I love my family. They have turned into "just parents" and "just siblings" to best friends and I'm so thankful for that.

14. I would take time to look back on how the Lord has worked. I re-read old journals and it may seem silly, but every time my picture screen saver comes up I let it go on for awhile and I just reminisced and took in all the places I have been, all the people that have blessed my life, and all the good that the Lord has done.

15. Rest. I've tried to obey when it says, "Sabbath". I am not meant to save the world and I can only do so much. If Jesus even had to go off by himself and spent time alone, how much more do I need to?

16. God cares more about the important people in your life than you ever will. This was hard for me, but the moment I realized this I felt so much freedom. Worry and stress aren't going to take me anywhere. God loves my family, friends, and the kids and adults I work with way more than I ever will.

17. Patience. The Creator of the universe has the future in his hands so why do I worry.

18. I am me. I need to stop wasting time trying to be someone else because I can't. I have started to love the ee Cummings quote, "It takes courage to grow up to become who you really are."

19. Read the book Cold Tangerines. One of the best books I've read. Every woman should read it. One of the things I always remember from it, "I want my every day to make God laugh, glad that he gave life to someone who loves it."

20. I really love my job. I love doing what I believe I am called to do. I love the people I work with. I love mentoring teenage girls and for the opportunity to pour into their lives.

21. It's okay to say no. This was hard to learn and is still a struggle. I had to step away from some responsibilities and learn that it is okay to say no. I can't do everything and no one is going to hate me for saying no to something that I wouldn't be able to do well.

22. I've learned to appreciate good food. I love to eat at local restaurants and I've also learned to love all different types of food. Thai food, Mexican food, Sushi, Italian, Chinese, and the list goes on and on!

23. God is good. Period. End of story.

Year 23 was great. I'm ready for 24...I think it's gonna be a good one. :)

2011.

2012-01-02T16:29:00.001-06:00

On New Year's Eve I complained to one of my friends that 2011 wasn't that great and nothing too exciting happened in my life. We then proceeded to clinking our glasses to the tune of "let's hope 2012 is a little more eventful." Well I had a longer than planned trip back to Nashville and during that time I think the Lord wanted to remind me how wrong I was. I was flooded with just the goodness of this past year.

No, nothing too exciting happened in my life in particular, but this last year was good. I learned so much about myself and gained new perspectives. Walls were torn down in my life and the work that God did in my life and others was clearly identified in many ways. And I realized this last year there was a lot of celebrating! Friends graduated from college, babies were born, new jobs obtained, and weddings celebrated. I'm blessed to live the life I live and it doesn't have to be defined by "exciting" things.

Blessings in my life:

This last year I've gotten to know my friends Jenn and Tricia better and they and Mandy and I and have become quite the "wolf pack" this year. :)

I was able to go home in May to celebrate my friend, Sara's wedding.

I got to visit my brother, sister-in-law, sister and friends in Seattle.

My roommate Amanda got married! I was honored to be a bridesmaid in her wedding.


My job continues to bless me each day. I love what I do and the fact that I wake up each morning with the opportunity to work with the staff, families, and kids that I do. My Harvest Hands family is such a blessing to me and I am thankful to be a part of it. I'm especially excited about new baby Brooklyn that is the newest addition to the family!

I got to know my church family better and they have truly become such an important part of my community here in Nashville.

Wall.

2011-10-18T00:03:00.000-05:00

I feel like a wall has been torn down in my heart, in my mind, and in my soul. Something has been preventing me from fully experiencing God's love and expressing it the way it should be for the last few weeks, months, and maybe even year. And I feel like I can see clearly now. Like the scales have fallen from my eyes.

I'm not quite sure I can explain it but I'm thankful for a God that continues to pursue us even if we're not sure we want to be pursued. I'm thankful for a God who listens to our confession and speaks to us in our repentance. I'm thankful for a God who uses a string of little things to break down a huge barrier.

And I'm thankful for a Savior who stands in front of us and says, "I am". I am the one who will carry your burdens, I am the one who brings light in the darkness, I am the one who can handle your pain, I am the one that loves you no matter, I am the one who works for your good, I am the one who has been here even when you don't acknowledge me.

I am the one who loves you even when you don't think you feel it.

Praise God.

Identity.

2011-09-15T12:44:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking lately. I feel like I'm going through a quarter-life crisis. If that even exists. I can't really articulate what I've been thinking because it's all over the place, but one thing I've been asking is who am I? What are my gifts and strengths? Where exactly am I placing my identity?

I stumbled upon a blog this morning and it was a great read for all that I've been thinking about lately. One thing she mentioned was how we get into the comparison game. I spend a lot of time thinking if only I was more organized, or super creative, or more outgoing and she brought up a good point,

"Instead of comparing, we need to ask God who he wants me to be, and then do that well."

"Clothe yourself in the unique identity Christ has for you, not comparing yourself to others."

God has created me to be me and no one else. I needed that reminder today. I can only do me well. It's a waste of time trying to be someone else. This is something I know and have come a long way in being confident in who God has created me to be, but it's always nice to have a reminder and realize I'm not the only one who struggles every now and again.

So, who am I? I am a daughter, sister, friend, mentor, co-worker, sports fan, encourager, worry-wort, sometimes too sensitive, peacekeeper, and with all the good and the bad most importantly I am a child of God. And even if all else fails praise the Lord I can hang on to that fact. :)

Remembering Zambia.

2011-09-12T22:43:00.000-05:00

I stumbled upon emails I wrote from Zambia tonight. I read one and that of course lead me to reading all of them. This lead me to think about how that trip has shaped me into who I am today. Someone responded to one of my updates by saying:

"Like Joshua, you can “place a stone” when you come home, to remember how the Lord worked in your life. For when the “daily-ness” of life is there and you wonder about God – you look at your “stones” and see that yes, He still works, He still is true!"

I'm thankful that I can look back and see how God worked and realize because he worked then He is continuing to work today. Reading those emails brought me back to my time in Zambia and brought tears to my eyes. That experience is nothing I can fully express to anyone. It taught me so much and was life changing. I read things from my email updates like:

"The poverty and circumstances we saw at all these villages was devastating. Each night I came back feeling overwhelmed and confused. We came into contact with about 500 orphans in four days, that makes 1000 parents that have died. Just thinking about that fact alone is hard. Most of the children are malnourished and many had HIV/AIDS."

It's interesting because looking back and reading about the villages we visited they were approaching this devastation in such a community development way. I don't think I even realized it then, but what I learned there and saw there was exactly what I felt called to do in my own backyard, I just didn't know it yet. One of the last emails I received from my brother when I was in Zambia said this:

"I pray God cements things in your heart so no amount of America takes away what you have learned."

This happened. God cemented the things in my heart that I learned in Africa and those shaped who I have become. I didn't return the same person and I'm not the same person. I could go on and on with how almost every day something happened in Zambia that links to where God has me now, it's crazy. I'm so thankful today to be reminded of how the Lord works. It's been three years, but Zambia is never far from my thoughts and prayers.

And since pictures are just great here are a few of my favorites from Zambia.

Some of the kiddos and I.

My team at Victoria Falls. The most beautiful place I've ever been!


All the kids wanted was to hold our hands.


Walking through a village with a little girl.

Think about it.

2011-08-15T23:06:00.000-05:00

I was looking at my facebook profile today randomly and I found this quote in my quote section and forgot how much I love it, but how challenging it is.

"The only thing harder than hatred is love. The only thing harder than war is peace. The only thing that takes more work, tears, and sweat than division is reconciliation. But what more beautiful things could we devote our lives to?"

Really think about that. What would our world be like if we chose love instead of hate. Peace instead of war. Reconciliation instead of division. Forgiveness instead of bitterness. Acceptance instead of judgment. These are all things we've been called to devote our lives to. Jesus did so as a follower of him I am called to do the same.

Also, just got back from vacation in Seattle/Tacoma/Oregon. It was so great! So fun to hang out with my siblings and see Bob and Court and Katie! It was much needed time away and I'm so thankful for it. And I got to visit Oregon and cross a state I haven't been to off my list! Here are some pics:

At Bridal Veil Falls in Oregon. Leah and I took a hike back to them and I climbed down and then up that rock for a closer view while Leah took the picture from above!

Friends living in three different states reunited in one!

Maybe a different perspective?

2011-08-06T15:24:00.000-05:00

There's been a lot of debate about heaven and hell going on these days and I found this on a blog and thought it was a good. It makes me angry how so many argue with each other and bring more harm than good to the Kingdom of God over theological debates. I can't site the author because I can't remember where I found it, but here it is:

On that day, everyone from every nation were raised from the dead as all of creation gathered around the glory of his burning thrown. As the brilliance of the seraphim and cherubim circled above, humanity was separated into two groups. Some started asking each other “did you accept Jesus?” In both groups you could hear people saying:

I went forward at that rally!

I’ve never heard of Jesus!

I went to church and played bass in the band!

I was born centuries before him!

I drove out demons and did deeds of power in his name!

I was a good person, I’ll be going to heaven!

The Son of Man, frustrated with the talk of ‘going to heaven,’ interrupted the babel and confusion with a clarifying question that silenced all of creation:

“You thought this was about going somewhere else? Did I teach you to pray ‘Your kingdom we’ll go?’ or ‘Your Kingdom come?’ I have come to bring heaven here, not to take you elsewhere. Heaven isn’t a ‘place’ that you go, it’s the very Presence of God that I bring. And now, those who have responded to God’s grace and have not dammed Heaven from flooding the earth by accepting me will inherit this kingdom of a transfigured creation.”

The seas roared with the outcry and joy from within both groups as some lamented they have never heard of Jesus let alone accepted him, while others ecstatic that they prophesied and saved souls in his name.

Then the King with a voice like lightening silenced the nations with this stunning declaration:

“You accepted me, as a child solider in Darfur, as a Thai child enslaved in sex trafficking, as a refugee seeking to enter your country, as a disabled black youth on death row, as a homeless vet on the streets, as a gay youth victimised in High School, as a drug addicted prostitute needing a meal, as an inmate needing a visit …”

As the list of where Christ had been camouflaged throughout creation when on, a shockwave rippled throughout all of reality at the realization that the two groups were not separated by their doctrines or ideas about Christ, or grace, or Heaven, or hell. They were separated by their response to the saving grace of Jesus in the most vulnerable and oppressed. The reality of this revelation for one group felt like eternal punishment. And for the other, eternal life. Eternal Life of the New Heavens and the New Earth liberated from all that does not look like Jesus’ Calvary-shaped love.

Just something to think about it.

I am me.

2011-08-03T00:35:00.000-05:00

I can't sleep and so I'm thinking. God has been working on reminding me of some things lately. He's giving me the reminder that he made me who I am for a reason. I don't need to believe the lies that I'm supposed to be a different way or I'm not good enough. Sometimes I use the quote, "I am me." for different things and it's really as simple as that. I am me. No one else. With all my insecurities and flaws and with all my strengths and successes. Why waste my time trying to be someone else?

A wise friend sent me this quote today as encouragement with this issue and I've been reflecting on it all day.

"The basis of my personal worth is not my possessions, my talents, not esteem of others, reputation...not kudos of appreciation from parents and kids, not applause, and everyone telling you how important you are to the place...I stand anchored now in God before whom I stand naked, this God who tells me, You are my son (daughter), my beloved one."

--Rabbi's Heartbeat, Brennan Manning

My prayer is that I remember this. That I hold tight to this truth and continually gain confidence to fully be who God created me to be. I like how ee Cummings said it because it's not always easy:

"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are."

Single.

2011-05-15T17:23:00.000-05:00

Yup I'm single. Okay I know that is no secret, but I've been thinking about the state of "singleness" these days. I mean it's hard not to when lots of people around me are in a relationship and every week I seem to get a save the date or wedding invitation in the mail. And then here I am living my life, staying busy, and still single. I love my life and of course at this current moment I'm not sure where I would fit a relationship into my schedule, but anyway...

I think most single females would say they think about getting married and when that perfect boy will finally come along, but I've just gotten tired of always thinking "what's next' and "when?". Why do we feel like this time of singleness is just a time to hold out until what is next? Why do so many of us think there's something wrong with us if we aren't married by the time we're 23? There's nothing wrong with me and there's no reason for me to feel ashamed of being single at this point of my life because honestly sometimes people make me feel that way.

I was reading an article in Relevant magazine about singleness and it was really good. One thing it said was:

"Singleness is not a disease to be cured; it is a stage of life to be enjoyed. Too often, we try to rush through it."

So I'm going to enjoy this time of my life. Honestly, I know there will still be times where I struggle and I think that's normal, but I think as single woman we need to re-adjust our way of thinking. The author of the article leaves you with this challenge:

"I challenge you to revel in your singleness. Take pleasure in the down time. Don’t waste your time on “what ifs” and “if onlys,” but instead reap the benefits of where you are today, right now."

Here's the link to the article if you're interested. It, of course, says things way better than I could:

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/blog/25590-single-and-not-alone

Also...random note, but one year ago this month I graduated from college. Weird.

I've got nothing.

2011-04-25T14:57:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted in awhile because I really haven't had much to say. I was catching up with a friend last night and he asked how life was. My response basically came out as, "It's good. I mean it's not really good or bad or great or awful. At the moment it just is. I'm keeping really busy and it just keeps on going."

I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in a funk, but there's just nothing going on. It's a moment in my life when if someone asks whats new there really isn't anything. I feel like I've been surrounded lately by lots of things going on in the people's lives around me, but nothing in my own. At times I get a little antsy for something exciting to happen so that when a friend calls to catch up I can say, "Actually there's this guy...or actually I'm going on this great vacation...or actually I have this crazy story..." But, I've got nothing.

This bothers me sometimes, but I'm trying to just enjoy the moment and the peacefulness of my calm mundane life at the moment (however, I do genuinely like my life no matter how boring it may seem). The non excitement of my own life is allowing me to better enjoy the excitement of others. haha

Since a blog post is boring without a few pictures...meet Maggie. She is the excitement in my friends Jenny and Patrick's life lately. She is the most precious baby and I love holding her...just my love and excitement for a friend's baby makes me think I'm going to be a mess when I'm an aunt some day!

One exciting thing that did happen was my Florida vacation with my family. I was so thankful for time we could all be together and it was tons of fun. That for sure didn't make me want to come back to my mundane life. :)

Weary.

2011-03-27T16:04:00.000-05:00

Today a few people asked me if I was okay because I didn't look great. (They were quick to say not my appearance and I was quick to assure them I knew what they meant) :)

I knew what they meant because I knew what they were talking about it. I smiled today and I knew it didn't quite reach my eyes and that I appeared weighed down. I recently took the Strengths-finder survey and it said my top strength is Empathy. It makes so much sense. It explains why when something bad or unfair is happening to someone I care about it's hard for me to forget about it and not worry about it. That pretty much explains this weight and burden. But this verse keeps running through my head:

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”

Thank God for this statement. It gives me hope and I've found it to be so true. These burdens make me want to quit sometimes. I feel that pricking in the back of my mind that whispers to my soul, "Don't you wish you could live a care-free, "happy" life? You have the resources and the ability to live somewhere safer, to make more money, and to not be weighed down by others burdens." I would be lying if my mind doesn't entertain the idea for a minute, but then my heart and soul kick in. No I don't wish that. In fact, that's the last thing I want. The charge that keeps running through my mind is:

When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required.

So of course my life could be "easier", but I refuse to believe that's the way we're supposed to live. I know the charge Christ has placed on my life and I know I am exactly where He would have me be right now. The idea of living a nice, care-free, comfortable life while pursuing the American Dream is the exact opposite of what I believe as followers of Christ we should be pursuing. I know I'm meant to be a part of God's Kingdom coming to earth as it is in heaven and to love others the way Christ loves me. And if along this journey burdens come and I feel weary and life seems hard...well praise the Lord we serve a God who tells us He'll carry those burdens for us.

Thankful

2011-03-21T22:47:00.001-05:00

I realized I haven't blogged in awhile...I guess that's what happens when time gets away from you. I sat down to write a deep and thoughtful post and I couldn't put my words together. My overwhelming thoughts these days are just filled with gratitude and joy. It's funny to look back to January and how I just felt in a dark place with not much going on and now I just feel lighter and able to find joy each day, especially in the little things these days:

All the trees are blooming here in Nashville and they're so pretty. The weather has been beautiful and I've laid outside in the sun the past two days. I don't need to spend money at the tanning bed to get ready for my upcoming Florida trip since I can just sit outside! Thankful.

I just love March and March Madness is one of the biggest reasons. I love college basketball and there's just something fun about filling out your brackets, watching upsets, and competing with your friends and family to see who has the best bracket. (However, it's not fun when your team loses...my poor Spartans.)

I know it may seem weird to be thankful for cereal, but I am. It's the only consistent thing I buy at the grocery each week and it just hits the spot. I'm especially thankful for my new found favorite cereal, Kroger brand blueberry almond crunch.

There's a lot more random little things I could post and these days I seem to find joy in the dumbest things like cereal, but hey I'm realizing we're not meant to go through our days thankless, cynical and pessimistic. So if I want to find joy in my late night bowl of Blueberry Almond Crunch cereal then so be it.

Oh Joy!

2011-02-27T22:00:00.000-06:00

So in this blog here I decided to write a Joy for each day because I was having trouble finding joy in each day and I said, "I refuse to go through a day without stopping to see where God has worked and I don't want to take for granted any more the time I have." So I thought I would share some of the things I've found joy in the last month or so:

Monday, January 24th: "Today I had the funniest conversation in my car with four of the most precious angels that I work with. We were driving from the gym back to Harvest Hands and one told me she only likes Jesus and God music so I turned off the radio and we sang "Who's the King of the Jungle". Except when they get to the part where you say "His name is J-E-S-U-S YES!" They all came to a dead stop at the same time and said, "Miss Abby we don't know how to spell Jesus!" So funny!

Tuesday, January 25th: Mandy and I went to the Adventure Science Center for their adults only after hours event and it was so fun! It was my first time going and an early birthday present for her! My favorite part: The Germ Game. Our team won every time!

Sunday, January 30th: My pastor and his wife, Jim and Jessica, came over for lunch and had a good time getting to know them better and spend time with their sweet baby Justus.

Wednesday, February 2nd: Civil Wars Concert with Amanda Lian. One word: Magical.

Tuesday, February 8th: Found out I could go to Florida with my family in April!!!

Thursday, February 10th: Found out Jake got into PT school!

Monday, February 14th: Valentine's Day spent with these crazy boys, my 2/42 group and then finished the night at The Saucer.

Wednesday, February 16th: Saw Committed in concert! They're amazing and I was so glad I got to see them with Mandy, Tricia, and Jen.

Today, Sunday, February 27th: A wonderful time at church and a reminder of God's love for me and the blessing of a church family. Good time with friends, conversations in parking lots, Sunday afternoon naps, cereal for your 10:00 snack and a night to yourself.

I'm discovering sometimes it's the events, sometimes it's the people, and sometimes it's the little things that bring joy to my days. I'm excited to see what the rest of the year holds.

Celebrate.

2011-02-26T00:09:00.000-06:00

If you were inside of my head at the beginning of January this is what you would have heard:

"Well...there goes another Christmas break and here I am back in Nashville. I guess life just resumes as normal, now that I'm in real life I guess there's not as much to look forward to. I have nothing exciting coming up, no big trips, no celebrations, no events and I don't have the consistent breaks to look forward to like I did through all my school years. Why can't my life be more exciting?"

Debbie Downer I know. I knew these thoughts weren't the most productive or positive, but I wasn't sure what to make of this phase of my life.

I feel like I've learned a lot and grown from that moment in January. I've been on a journey to celebration. It started with intentionally finding joy in each day and was helped along by reading the book Cold Tangerines and pushed over the edge by some divine nudges. I realized each day is a reason to celebrate. Can you imagine how your life would be different if you woke up every morning excited to be where you are? I couldn't...not at first. I'm learning and it is a journey because it's so much easier to look to the next best thing and choose to be miserable in the normalcy of life.

It's funny the timing of things. All these thoughts were going through my head and then I just happen to read a book that puts my thoughts into words way better than I ever could.

"It's rebellious, in a way, to choose joy, to choose to dance, to choose to love your life. It's much easier and much more common to be miserable. But I choose to do what I can do to create hope, to celebrate life, and the act of celebrating connects me back to that life I love. We could just live our normal, day-to-day lives, saving all the good living up for someday, but I think today, just plain today, is worth it. I think it's our job, each of us, to live each day like it's a special occasion, because we've been given a gift. We get to live in this beautiful world. When I live purposefully and well, when I dance instead of sitting it out, when I let myself laugh hard, when I wear my favorite shoes on a regular Tuesday, that regular Tuesday is better."

This is from Cold Tangerines, a book that if you haven't read you should. It's one of the best books I've read in awhile!

Friendship

2011-02-17T09:53:00.000-06:00

It's funny the timing of things. Last night my dear friend sent me a text that said something to the effect of, "Thanks for being a good friend and caring about peoples lives." I responded with, "You're too kind, but thank you." (And then she scolded me for not taking a compliment)

Anyway...this got me thinking about friendship and love and relationships. I truly believe that I have a lot of love to give. And I truly believe it's because God bestows His love on me so that I can give it away. Well I was reading my new book, Cold Tangerines (so good so far btw) and she put my thoughts in words, way better than I could!

"Friendship is acting out God's love for people in tangible ways. We were made to represent the love of God in each others lives, so that each person we walk through life with has a more profound sense of God's love for them. Friendship is an opportunity to act on God's behalf in the lives of the people that we're close to, reminding each other who God is. When we do the hard, intimate work of friendship, we bring a little more of the divine into daily life. We get to remind one another about the bigger, more beautiful picture that we can't always see from where we are."

I love this. I wish people truly realized how much of an opportunity and how life giving friendship and relationships can be. I know part of my calling and existance on this earth is to "act on God's behalf in the lives of the people that we're close to, reminding each other who God is." And my prayer is that I will continually do this day in and day out.

Since this is about friendship and blogs are just better with pictures..here are just a few with friends:

Valentines Day + 4th grade boys

2011-02-15T00:15:00.000-06:00

So today is Valentines Day...well technically not since it's after midnight, but anyway. Quite honestly I don't care one way or another about Valentine's Day, I just get angry about how much money people spend on it when that money could be going to so many other beneficial things, but I could go on and on about that.

I realized after today that Valentines Day is a lot more fun spent with kids. It was fun getting their little Valentines, candy conversation hearts, hear about their Valentines at school, and hear one boy say he prays for a girlfriend every night before he goes to sleep. On Mondays in my group it's me and all the boys because the girls have other after-school activities.

I got the low down on their crushes and who they wanted to have as their Valentine. Of course, the next question was, "Ms. Abby who is your Valentine?!?" And here was the conversation:

Me: "It's a secret"

The boys: "No fair we told you who ours were!" ... "Is it Mr. Luke?"

Me: "No, actually I don't have one"

One boy: "You need to go on eharmony!"

Another boy: "You need to go on wouldyoudateme.com"

Another boy: "Ms. Abby what you need to do is walk down the street with books in your hand and run into a man. Then you drop all your books and he helps you pick them up and you're in love. That's how it happens in the movies"

If only it was that simple. I would have walked down the street with books way sooner! :) The whole afternoon was full of their theories on love, what they do to win over the girls they like, and more advice about how I can as they said it "finally get married". But they brought joy to my day today and I'm thankful for these crazy boys:

Taylor

2011-02-12T22:22:00.002-06:00

So a lot of shitty (sorry Mom for cussing) things have been going on lately. Just feeling burdened by a lot of things going on in people's lives. Some of these people are very close to me, while others I don't know that well, but still God has laid them all on my heart.

I truly think we are called to share in each others burdens while lifting one another up in prayer. I hate that all these things are happening and all I know to do is pray and trust that God knows what the heck is going on. One person I've prayed for a lot the last few weeks is Taylor.

Taylor started volunteering with us at Harvest Hands (HH) in January and I've never had a volunteer so enthused to get started! Her first email to me was full of exclamation points (which I love!) and a desire to serve that I could sense even over an email. She came, jumped right in, and the kids loved her! And I was so excited to have a volunteer that was so passionate and ready to help!

About a week and a half ago she sent me an email letting me know she was in the hospital and thought she would make it to HH, but the doctors wouldn't let her leave yet so she would see us next week. Her friend came by later that day to check out HH and sent Brian an email after she left saying she wrote about us in her blog. Brian sent her blog on to me and it rocked my world.

Taylor is 22 years old, just graduated college, and has cancer. The reason she was in the hospital was because she had just had surgery where she was given a 15% chance to survive and she did. What?!? I had no idea. I don't know Taylor well, but I've been faithfully following her friend's blog and praying for her constantly. I feel like i know her better now and I know this cancer doesn't define her. She was choosing in between chemo treatments to come serve at Harvest Hands. That alone should tell you how great she is. Here's a link to the blog if you want to check it out:
http://team15percent.blogspot.com/

Taylor needs our prayers. Even if it's a short prayer after you read this or you remember her daily it would be great for a miracle to happen. I can tell God is working in and through her life and I think he's got more things for her to do here and we need her back to HH! :)

She apparently loves Garth Brooks and was able to meet him and Trisha Yearwood recently when he was in Nashville doing his concerts for flood relief:

Family

2011-02-11T00:41:00.000-06:00

I've always loved my family. We've always been close and I really hate living so far away from all of them. I think people have different definitions of "being close with your family", but I would seriously consider my family my best friends. We keep in touch regularly and know what's going on in each others lives. My dream would be that we would all live in the same city some day, however, with our track record of places we live and lifestyles I'm thinking within a day's drive may be more realistic!

I just really can't express how much I love them and wish I could see them every day. I've been blessed with a new sister, who fits right in and who we loved even before we knew she would be an official part of the family!

We haven't been all together since May for my brother's wedding and I hate that. BUT...we're all going to Florida in April! How excited am I? Maybe too excited...I can't think about it for more than a couple seconds or I will totally forget about present time and just wish life away until April.

We'll go from being together during the wedding fun and craziness to laying in the sun and relaxing our time away! Like my dad would say (with a little tweaking from me), "The family that tans together stays together!"(His usually goes something like, "The family that does chores together, stays together")

ps. Jake just got into the Physical Therapy program at the University of Washington (like we doubted he would...he's so stinkin smart!) but so so proud of him!! Excited for this next step in his journey!

Dillon.

2011-02-09T21:13:00.000-06:00

Dillon is one of the students in our After-school Program. He's five and so stinkin cute! Some things you learn about Dillon pretty quickly are that he can't sit still, he likes to sing, dance, and drum and he loves his baby sister. He is always moving. He broke his arm earlier this year, but that didn't stop him from playing or jumping off the stage regardless of the cast covering half his arm. I'm trying to intentionally find joy in each day and he brought me joy yesterday. Here is why (the end is the best):

If you can't understand him he's singing the song Boogie Fever from his favorite movie "Despicable Me". When you ask him what it's called he'll say, "The Cookie Robot Song"! Check out more pictures of him and all the other little blessings in my life at the Harvest Hands Facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Harvest-Hands-Community-Development-Corp/156150057760320

Notes like this bring joy to my life too. They help me keep going when I don't always have the energy.

Fog.

2011-02-07T23:06:00.001-06:00

So I just really wanted to write a blog, but when I sat down to type nothing would come out. Probably because my brain feels like this:

It's like there's a fog over me and my thoughts or any intelligent thoughts for that matter are struggling to break through. Probably because I'm sick and it feels like my head is going to explode, but also I've been feeling burdened by a lot lately. It seems like there's a lot going on around me in both people's lives who I know well and even those I don't know well. So even though I have this haze over my brain, I think it's also a little nudge saying...why not stop writing about it and trying to think about it and analyze it (which I take way too much time doing) and take some time to lift these people who are going through so much up. So that's what I'll be doing...

But for a lighter note I'll leave you with this, that picture above is from my trip to Costa Rica this summer at the Volcano Poas and I also found this video. I didn't take it because I was too scared to let go of the rope to hold the camera but I did do down that exact zip line right before him...so scary yet so fun!

I guess this turned into writing a blog...

Doing nothing?

2011-02-01T23:31:00.000-06:00

Tonight for the first time in awhile I just sat. I had the TV on and my computer out, but I wasn't quite paying attention. I actually did nothing and I felt bad about it. I kept having the urge to work or to call someone to go somewhere, but I didn't. I talked on the phone with a few people which was great, but other than I can't say I did much.

When did I lose my ability to do nothing and enjoy it? I used to be able to just sit at home at night and watch tv and be completely content...maybe even borderline lazy by some standards...but now when I actually do that for the first time in weeks I feel bad about it and have to force myself to just sit. Where is the balance between being productive and being lazy? Why was it so hard for me to just make my mind, body, and soul stop?

I feel like the energizer bunny these days...I just keep going and going and going...

**on a completely random note, I'm seeing The Civil Wars in concert tomorrow...so excited! If you haven't heard them before (the 3 of you that read this) you should listen to them! They're pretty great**

Time.

2011-01-30T15:51:00.000-06:00

Time is a funny thing. Sometimes we waste it, sometimes we enjoy it, sometimes we wish there was more of it and sometimes we wish it would stand still. I can't even count the times I thought to myself if only there were 27 hours in a day or I wish I could fast forward to ... (fill in the blank).

I've come to realize time is a gift. Each moment I'm alive is a gift and I have the choice on how to spend this time each day. Will I wish it away? Will I worry? Will I be joyful? Do I spend it by myself or do I call up a friend and spend it with them? Do I sleep? Do I go work out? What's the balance between having time to yourself, others, work, friends, church, etc.

I don't know why it's become such a heavy subject on my mind lately. Maybe because I have had more thoughts lately of wishing there was more time in the day and realizing when I do have time away from things I don't have to be doing (which doesn't happen a whole lot), I'm not sure how to spend it.

How can we be good stewards of our time? What does it look like to be a good steward of time? I truly believe that how we spend our time shows what's important to us. I've felt so exhausted lately that I don't feel like I've been a good steward of the extra time in my day. There's always something at the end of the day I could have done instead...why didn't I call to catch up with that person? why didn't I work harder on that project for work? why didn't I wake up to work out? It goes on and on...

I want my life to reflect the fact that I cherish time as a gift and that I am a good steward of the time that I have. I want to be intentional with how I live and how I spend my time...

This is filled with a lot of questions and uncertainty because really...I'm just not sure.

Nudge.

2011-01-22T00:22:00.000-06:00

I have always thought the word nudge was funny. Random I know but I'm going somewhere with this.

Since I've been back to Nashville since Christmas I haven't felt too joyful. I am calling them the post holiday blues. I felt like after coming off a great time during the holidays I just came back to ordinary life and didn't have much to look forward to. While I would mention these "blues" and have my "woe is me" conversations with people I always felt something inside me gently tugging the words back that so easily left my lips...you could call it a nudge.

I was sitting at my kitchen table one morning thinking about what I could plan for my next thing to look forward to. With the limited funds I have and limited extended time I wasn't quite sure where to start. And then I felt it again...nudge.

Now...this nudge was getting a little obnoxious. I just wanted to wallow in my "blues" and find something to take my mind off the fact nothing too exciting was happening, but the nudge would not go away.

I sat there and thought about how I do like my life. I'm blessed with a job I love, people who love me and lift me up, relationships to pour into, a God who doesn't give up on me, and I continue to learn more about myself each day. And then the nudge became more like a smack in the face.

Why wasn't this enough? Why did I need to look to the next exciting thing? It's like a still small voice whispered across my soul..."this is what's exciting. life. love. work. people. getting to know yourself. laughing. finding the joy in every morning you wake up, every child you have a conversation with, every smile you receive, and even every meeting you have to sit through."

We are called to be people of JOY and to be present in the moment. This doesn't mean I'll be "happy" all the time, but I will have joy. I have a reason to wake up and enjoy each day because it's a gift. God has given us time and we must be good stewards of it. It's not meant to be wished away and dissolved by "the next best thing".

So because of this nudge I have set a goal. I have a calendar that I've committed to writing a Joy from the day on it. I refuse to go through a day without stopping to see where God has worked and I don't want to take for granted any more the time I have.

So as weird as the word nudge may be to me...I am so thankful that God used a nudge to lead to a smack in the face to remind me of this truth and the Joy I cannot forget to have.

Birthdays are weird.

2011-01-09T23:33:00.001-06:00

It's my birthday...and I'm 23...weird. I'm not supposed to be the one growing up. I'm the baby and the one who sees everyone else get older...anyway I was thinking over this last year and how many things have changed and how crazy it has been. I've gotten to know myself better and learned what it's like to transition from one major point in your life to another. So I stole this idea partly from Becca's blog but 22 things I've learned about myself and things that have happened in my 22nd year of life...
1. I started an internship with Harvest Hands and didn't know what to expect!

2. I started the busiest time of my life to date while recovering from pneumonia and my little heart episode...looking back not sure how I managed but thankful for all I experienced in that time and it for sure taught me boundaries and balance.

3. I realized just how much of a people pleaser I am and decided I need to work on that...

4. Traveled a little bit...the Florida Keys, Michigan, Costa Rica, Michigan, Chicago, Seattle, back to Michigan...

5. I gained a sister...not just any sister but someone who I've looked up to a large majority of my life and was so excited for her to become a part of our family

6. I learned that you may think you have your life figured out, but God has other plans.

7. Oh yeah...I graduated from college.

8. Offered the job to lead Harvest Hands summer camp and was terrified I would fail...had a great summer and worked with great people I can now call friends...I don't think I failed.

9. Realized how true the phrase "You can't get something clean without it being dirty first" is

10. Embraced the fact I'm a hopeless romantic

11. Was transformed into someone who knew nothing about children and was scared to death of them to realizing my love for them and I actually like working with them each day.

12. Blessed with a full time job doing exactly what I wanted but thought would take 10 or so years to get to and laughed at God's humor in leading me to a stay in a city that I thought I would leave as soon as I could.

13. Realized how much Baby Girls transformed my life and was instrumental in where I am and who I am today...and crying on some Wednesdays because I can't be with them anymore

14. Went through a small state of depression trying to transition from college life to the real world

15. Realized I am who I am and all I can do is embrace it.

16. Found genuine community and a Nashville family with Harvest Hands

17. Watched too many episodes of Criminal Minds for my own good...not ashamed to admit I would be completely okay with marrying someone just like Agent Morgan.

18. Wrestled with and thought about tough issues like what it looks like to live out God's Kingdom here on earth and what true reconciliation looks like

19. Built on relationships with old friends and made new ones

20. Realized how much I really do hate odd numbers...weird I know.

21. Got my nose pierced which wouldn't be a big deal to some but in a weird way was very symbolic of actually doing something I wanted to do instead of considering everyone else's opinion.

22. Learned and continuing to learn you can't grow without putting yourself out there and taking a risk even if it does mean you might fail

Not sure my 23rd year is going to be quite as exciting but we'll see what happens... :)

Wait...Christmas isn't just about Santa Claus?

2010-12-25T18:53:00.000-06:00

Now...I know most of you would say of course Christmas isn't just about Santa Claus and presents and the commercialization that it's become but it's about Jesus' "birthday" and Him coming to Earth as a baby to dwell among us, which is so true, but have we really thought about what this means? I don't know if it's just that I'm getting older and starting to think into things more or what but I can't stop thinking about this. My favorite translation that talks about Jesus' incarnation is The Message in John 1:14:

The Word became flesh and blood, and moved into the neighborhood.

The Savior and King of the Universe decided to move into his Creation. He didn't come with all the bells and whistles or an entrance worthy of royalty like he should have, but he had a lowly birth that wasn't even noticed by most of the world.

Do people truly understand how backwards and counter-cultural Jesus was and is? His birth was just the beginning of that and it's something I'm remembering today. Christ left his place next to The Father and came to a place he could live among the people and teach them. It's something I would like to emulate in my life. So this Christmas season I'm thankful for a God who decided we were worth it and not a lost cause and decided to move into our neighborhood. And seeing as we're Christ followers we should strive to do the same thing...so I remember this passage from Mathew also from The Message and I challenge you also:

Jesus sent his twelve harvest hands out with this charge: "Don't begin by traveling to some far-off place to convert unbelievers. And don't try to be dramatic by tackling some public enemy. Go to the lost, confused people right here in the neighborhood. Tell them that the kingdom is here. Bring health to the sick. Raise the dead. Touch the untouchables. Kick out the demons. You have been treated generously, so live generously.

Don't Miss Out.

2010-12-01T23:30:00.000-06:00

I feel like people are missing out. People that believe the only reason they are on earth and the only reason they choose to believe in Jesus is for what's to come and to go to heaven. Don't get me wrong...there is something to look forward to but you're missing one of the most important parts of the story if all your beliefs revolve around getting to heaven.

We do have God's kingdom and a new city to look forward to but what about that part that says your kingdom come, your will be done on Earth? We are here to be a part of God's story and God's kingdom here on earth NOW. We can bring glimpses of that here. The book Compassion says it well:

"In the new city, God will live among us, but each time two or three gather in the name of Jesus he is already in our midst. In the new city, all tears will be wiped away, but each time people eat bread and drink wine in his memory, smiles appear on strained faces. In the new city, the whole creation will be made new, but each time prison walls are broken down, poverty is dispelled, and wounds are carefully attended, the old earth is already giving way to the new. Through compassionate action, the old is not just old anymore and pain not just pain any longer. Although we are still waiting in expectation, the first signs of the new earth and the new heaven, which have been promised to us and for which we hope, are already visible in the community of faith where the compassionate God is revealed to us."

"This is the foundation of our faith, the basis of our hope, and the source of our love."

Why don't we realize we have the opportunity now to be a part of bringing God's kingdom here and giving glimpses of this new city to those around us. Let's not forget the God we serve and that we are a part of a bigger story. We can't just sit around thinking this world is just going to hell and there's nothing we can do and just wait for heaven to come around, but realize the future has already begun and "its revealed each time strangers are welcomed, the naked are clothed, the sick and prisoners are visited, and oppression is overcome."

I sorta made an impulsive decision.

2010-10-26T12:20:00.001-05:00

So...in Seattle last week Leah said "Hey Ab you should get your nose pierced." So I did. I've always wanted to but never thought I would. I know the picture is sideways but I think you can still see it okay. Jake, Em, Abe, and Leah were all in the room when I got it pierced...like my dad always says, "The family that pierces together stays together." Right Mom? :)

I like not being afraid.

2010-10-19T21:04:00.000-05:00

I've been reading Romans 8 almost every day for the last month or so. The church I've been going to has been studying it for the last few weeks and I'm loving it. It's amazing to me that you can read one chapter of a book and get so much out of it every time. One part that sticks out to me each time is where it says:

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear,

but you received the Spirit of sonship."

It says so many times in Scripture, "Do not be afraid" or "Fear not" (I tried to look up how many times it says it, but I can't find an answer...) how come we don't listen? I am so fearful of so many things...but that's not how Christ has meant for us to live. If we truly realized that we are sons and daugthers of a King and how powerful we are because of Christ living inside of us how would our lives be different? How would our prayers be different? How would our conversations be different?

I'm learning not to be afraid and it's freeing. I'm learning how much power there is in the Holy Spirit. I'm learning how confident I can be in Christ because he tells me not to be afraid. It's a process, but I'm learning and believe me life is better when you're not afraid!

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ" - Ghandi

2010-10-17T18:58:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way Christ lived. Nothing he did was normal. Nothing he did "fit in" or was the cool and trendy thing to do. And why do we as Christians who proclaim to worship Jesus and say we're followers of Christ look nothing like him? It's a convicting statement if you really think about it. Part of this vent is stemming from the constant questioning about my life and career choice and when the next chance I'll have to be promoted or when people say, "Wait...how much do you make?" or "Abby, why do you think that's important, that's just the way it's meant to be"?? Jesus didn't do everything that was popular and quite honestly his life and actions were pretty much always counter cultural and backwards.

This hit me again today at church when we were singing In Christ Alone and the line says, "Here in the death of Christ...I Live", that doesn't make sense...because Christ died I live, but that just seems to be the way He works. And it made me remember this passage from the book Compassion:
"Thus we are deeply disturbed by a God who emobodies a downward movement. Instead of striving for a higher position, more power, and more influence, Jesus moves, as Karl Barth says, from the "heights to the depth, from victory to defeat, from riches to poverty, from triumph to suffering, from life to death" Jesus' whole life and mission involve accepting powerlessness and revealing in this powerlessness the limitlessness of God's love."

So let's move from being people who admire and worship this Christ we claim to follow, but look nothing like him and become people who look like this Christ we love so that through us His Glory can be revealed and his Kingdom can come on earth as it is in Heaven. Please.

I like who I am.

2010-10-13T21:42:00.000-05:00

I like who I am. I'm honestly not sure if I've ever been able to say that before. As difficult and weird this time of my life has been I've realized it's been formative to seeing myself clearer and realizing I can be confident in who I am and who I was created to be.

That's it. A simple but freeing truth.

I like my life.

2010-10-03T16:55:00.000-05:00

So I've decided I like my life. If you would have asked me that a week ago I probably wouldn't have said the same thing, but I think I'm moving past the transition time and finally feeling more settled. Last week I really struggled with being out of school, having a different schedule, just going to work and coming home, not sure where to spend my free time, and feeling lonely.

I don't have all this figured out necessarily, but I have it figured out more I guess you could say. It is just a time of change and transition and I'm trying to look at the positive side of it. I'm embracing the solitude and am starting to enjoy the time I have to myself. I just started reading Reaching Out by Henri Nouwen (great recommendation Jake!) and he addresses the issue of solitude and isolation which has been really helpful. Those are my two biggest issues in this whole transition time, but I'm starting to see how this can be a good.

Anyway, not sure if all that made sense, but I feel like I'm finally in a good place to post a blog that wouldn't sound like a pity party. I'm happy with my life right now. I love my job, I love where I live, I'm seeing old friends and making new ones, I'm going to a new church, and learning more about who I am each day. So yes...I like my life.

Change.

2010-08-20T17:07:00.000-05:00

Change. Do I love it or do I hate it? Ya know...I'm not really sure. I almost think I can label how I feel about change a love hate relationship. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it and a lot of times I've been resistant to it. Although, I can't deny every time a change does occur in my life it's always a growing and shaping experience, which is in the end whether I loved it or hated it, good.

A lot of change has happened in my life lately:
1. I'm no longer a college student.
2. I have a full time job.
3. I have bills due every month.
4. Going home felt more like I was just visiting.
5. Nashville truly has become my home away from home.
6. New friendships and people are entering my life.
Just to name a few...

All these things have been difficult and a weird transition at times and I'm still getting used to it but there's always an upside to change and somethings that remain the same, which is why I'm choosing to look at the positive side of things and to no longer be resistant to change:

1. I'll still miss college life and the schedule but every season needs to come to an end and I can choose to look at the good times to come.
2. I love love love my full time job and am so blessed to have it.
3. Umm...still working on the positive side of this...maybe teaching me responsibility?
4. Home will always be home.
5. Weird that I can finally say this (this just shows the power of God! haha) but at the same time so thankful I'm able to live and serve in a place that I've come to love.
6. I love new friends, but I'm also so thankful for my faithful friends that have been there through all the change.

:)

Insecure.

2010-05-16T23:18:00.000-05:00

I'll admit it, I'm insecure sometimes...or a lot of the time. I'm also terrified of failing and I've realized those two things seem to go along great in my life. I've always seemed to lack the confidence everyone has always told me I should have.

I've been struggling with this insecurity and confidence a lot lately because I've been scared at failing at my current job and all I want to do is be good at it and for everything to go great. It has been pointed out to me over and over again by others, things I've been reading, and even Church this morning that I just need to be confident. I have the skills needed to do well in life and I have the passion for this job so I am fully capable and most importantly I have the power of Christ in my life.

I've been realizing lately my potential and I'm slowly but surely finding my confidence through Christ. I've been spending more time in the quiet of God's presence and immersing my mornings in scripture and it's amazing how much of a difference that makes. I've also been reminded that God doesn't use perfect people. If he had perfect people to work with then where would His glory shine through?

My prayer is that more and more each day I would realize God can work through my weaknesses and He can shine through my inadequacies and failures. I need to trust more. I need to realize I am a daughter of the King and Creator of the Universe and I have him in me. When I think on those things how can my confidence not soar?

An Update on My Life

2010-04-10T13:55:00.000-05:00

Well it's been awhile since I've blogged...I've sat down a few times to write and just nothing would come out. But I thought an update on my life would be easy to write, for those of you who I haven't had a chance to share with!

A bit of a disclaimer...if you were to tell me a year ago that I would be in the place where I am right now I would not have believed you. It is just a testament to how God works and how when you ask Him for something he always shows up...maybe not in the way you would ever expect but of course it's always the best.

I was a little stressed at the beginning of this year about what I was going to do when I graduated. I started researching different volunteer programs and opportunities in other cities and countries, but then I attended the CCDA (Christian Community Development Association) conference in October. This was where my eyes were opened to what Community Development was really about and God started revealing to me that my heart was truly for community development in the city and He was going to use me there. There my search narrowed down to city work. Well who would have thought my job with the social work department would have led me to hearing about Harvest Hands Community Development here in Nashville, which is located right next to Trevecca in a lower income neighborhood.

I asked if I could intern with them this semester and they said yes. Harvest Hands does a lot of different things, but a main focus is their after school program for kids and youth and their mentoring program for youth. They also have businesses where the girls make soap and the boys coffee. Here is more info at www.harvesthandscdc.com. We also have a community lunch once a week and are starting to get into affordable housing. I love building these relationships and I'm especially loving being involved in the WOW! mentoring program!

My time there has been incredible and such a blessing. I feel very honored to be working with the people there and they have already taught me so much and allowed me to experience doing really my "dream job" working in Community Development. I've been hired as their head intern for their summer program they do for the kids so it looks like I'll be staying in Nashville! I have a lot of work and planning ahead of me but I'm very excited about it! I love being at Harvest Hands. I'll more than likely be signing a year lease here in Nashville in July hopefully in the neighborhood where Harvest Hands is so I'm here for awhile...which was the last thing I ever thought would happen.

I'm not sure what's to come in August when the summer program at Harvest Hands is done, but I'm not worrying about it...I've done enough of that. God knows what's going to happen and I'm just going to trust Him with those plans. Thanks all for your prayers for me and this journey I'm on!

Procrastination...

2010-02-08T00:51:00.000-06:00

1. I've come to realize that my job... is to love God and then love others.

2. I've come to realize that when I'm driving...I need to be more patient with the Tennessee drivers that don't know how to drive!

3. I've come to realize that I need...community.

4. I've come to realize that I have lost...my pneumonia.

5. I've come to realize that I hate it when...people are inconsiderate.

7. I've come to realize that money...is dumb and I wish it wasn't necessary.

8. I've come to realize that certain people...don't realize their potential.

9. I've come to realize that I'll always...be at least a little bit of a people pleaser and a little bit too sensitive.

10. I've come to realize that my sisters...are wonderful and a blessing.

11. I've come to realize that my mom...is my closest confidant and best friend.

12. I've come to realize that my cell phone...is always near me and I wish I didn't depend on it as much.

13. I've come to realize that when I woke up this morning...I was very thankful to feel rested.

14. I've come to realize that last night before I went to sleep...sometimes you just have to let certain things go and there's only so much you can do.

15. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking...I need to go to bed and I have a lot of homework I'm not sure when it's going to get done.

16. I've come to realize that my dad...has always been there when I needed him.

17. I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook...I know I'll spend too much time on it.

18. I've come to realize that today...i had a great time with great friends.

19. I've come to realize that tonight...was fun!

20. I've come to realize that tomorrow...is a super full day and the start of a very busy week!

21. I've come to realize that I want to...have the opportunity to make a difference in the world.

22. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to repost this is...no one.

23. I've come to realize that music...is something that I love and would be very hard for me to live without.

24. I've come to realize that this weekend...I'm going home!!!

25. I've come to realize that marriage...is something I look forward to.

26. I've come to realize that my friends...make me happy.

27. I've come to realize that this year...has been different then expected and the busiest I've ever had but has been wonderful at the same time.

28. I've come to realize that I love...how God has a way of working things out.

29. I've come to realize that I don't understand...why certain things happen and people make the choices that they do.

31. I've come to realize my past...has shaped me into who I am today.

32. I've come to realize that parties...are fun...well depending on what is happening at them.

33. I've come to realize that I'm totally terrified of...dying without making a difference...oh and living in the suburbs and living a comfortable and complacent life.

34. I've come to realize that life...is a gift and I need to live each day to the fullest!

Oh What to do...

2009-12-21T11:50:00.000-06:00

So it's about the time in the year when I decided I wanted to figure out what I was going to do when I graduated. I thought to myself at the beginning of the semester that at Christmas I would figure out what to do with my life. Well...that's not looking too promising. I'm not stressed out or worrying about it but more than anything I just want to know.

I've learned this semester more about discernment and I've been praying a prayer of indifference, praying that God would help me not to care where I go and make my desire to follow Christ's call on my life and make love my primary calling in life be my motivater in where I go and what I do...not make a decision based on what I want to do or what is most fun or easy.

So since I really do have this mindset of indifference I don't know where to go from here. I have some options and there are some possibilities falling into place possible but I still struggle with fear and really knowing which options are the best...so instead of making this break one of finality and decisions I am going to be seeking. Searching God's heart and will so that no matter what decision I make I know God will be pleased with me since my heart is seeking His and my desire is that no matter where I go or what I do Christ will be reflected in me, love will be shown and I'll be in a place where I can better his Kingdom.

So much going on...

2009-12-12T14:10:00.000-06:00

I feel like my mind is mush. Today is the first day in weeks that I've actually been able to stop and think about anything really. I've been going nonstop and it's so nice to just stop. It's also been difficult because things I've avoided thinking about are creeping into my mind. I guess God has been trying to tell me things all semester and I haven't been willing to listen and have totally missed the connections.

I've changed and grown a lot this semester. It may be in ways that no one else can see but myself and that's okay. It's things that needed to happen and that are shaping me. I am finally allowing the walls that I've put up around myself to be torn down. I'm starting to realize that I am worth it and I do have worth..if not in anyone elses eyes I do in God's and that is all the worth I need. I'm starting to actually give myself credit and realize no matter how anyone else makes me feel that I am worth it. I don't know how to explain this exactly without making myself look conceited but I guess I can say I have found my self-confidence in Christ and it's about time. :)

It's still a journey...and I know there will be times I fall and doubt but this is the first and most important step and it's the foundation of what I need to continue living my life the way I think Christ is calling me...but it is a journey so we'll see where I go.

That's just one part of the mush in my brain...so hopefully more entries are to come.

What is Compassion?

2009-10-28T23:36:00.002-05:00

I've always considered myself a compassionate person. I could "feel" with people and I would sympathize with people. However, after reading the book Compassion for one of my classes my eyes have been opened to what it really means.

Compassion literally means to "suffer with". It doesn't mean to "bend toward the underprivileged from a privileged position; it is not reaching out from on high to those who are less fortunate below; and it is not a gesture of sympathy or pity for those who fail to make it in the upward pull."

I think I've spent a lot of my life like this; something always made me pull away and not get close enough. I would be sad and get angry by the girls situations at Baby Girls Club or by hearing a homeless man's story but honestly a part of me always kept distance and thought "I just feel so bad for them."

But not anymore...I think I've said before be careful what you pray for...I prayed that God would help me show true compassion and would break my heart for what breaks his...

Today at Baby Girl's I heard a girls story. She's 15, her mom is 28. She's the oldest of 8 kids. She's basically their mom. She was a product of her mother being raped at 13. I can't just hear that anymore and say I'm sorry that's too bad...because I know I'm called to more. I want to get to know her more and hear more about her and let her know someone is suffering with her. I can't live or love just reaching down anymore.

"Compassion means going directly to those people and places where suffering is most acute and building a home there. God's compassion is total, absolute, unconditional, without reservation. It is the compassion of the one who keeps going to the most forgotten corners of the world, and who cannot rest as long as there are still human beings with tears in their eyes. It is the compassion of a God who does not merely act as a servant, but who expresses the divinity of God through servanthood."

What an Experience...

2009-10-25T13:36:00.002-05:00

So I went to the Christian Community Development Association (CCDA) conference in Cincinnati this past week. I went into it not knowing what to expect and therefore my expectations were highly surpassed. It rocked me and was probably the best thing that could have happened to me. I learned so much not only about community development but about myself and what God would have me do with my life. My new hero is John Perkins and I plan on reading every book he's written. And God has finally torn down some walls and opened my eyes to things that if I would have been listening sooner would have happened earlier but I finally got smart enough to listen. More to come on this later...

Check them out...
www.ccda.org

Overwhelmed and Angry.

2009-10-14T23:42:00.002-05:00

Okay...honest blog here. Posted for the sole purpose of being specific about how I can be prayed for and what's going on...okay kind of a vent too I guess.

I'm just feeling overwhelmed with life at the moment. Too much to do. Going from class to class, homework assignment to homework assignment, obligation to obligation. I don't feel like there's always enough time in the day.
I feel like my life is spinning out of control and I'm just in a free fall. I realize this feeling of having no control could be good...but I don't consider myself quite a control freak where control is usually an issue in my life so the feeling I'm experiencing isn't the best.
I know I can be better. Sorry I suck at being a friend and a student and a person at times...I know I can be better and I'm not. I know I'm a work in progress and I frustrate myself daily with my many let downs.
I don't know what to do with my future. At the moment it just makes me feel burdened so I refuse to think about it...hey may not be healthy but it's what I'm doing at the moment.

I need prayer...and I'm blessed to have people in my life who pray for me (at least i think they do ;) I know I can be dramatic and my life isn't bad at all...but if this overwhelmed feeling could pass that would be wonderful. :)

This is beautiful...

2009-10-01T00:13:00.002-05:00

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression and exploitation of people.
SO THAT you may work for justice, freedom, and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer pain, rejection, hunger, and war.
SO THAT you may reach out your hand to comfort them and turn their pain to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in the world.
SO THAT you can do what others claim cannot be done to bring justice and kindness to all our children and the poor.

Who I Am.

2009-09-20T16:07:00.005-05:00

I've been doing some self reflection lately I guess you could say. I've tried to become more self aware and I've noticed comments from people about me and sometimes I feel like people don't know me that well. So this is just a list about me and who I am. And since I'm loving top ten lists lately here are the top ten things about me...

10. I can't lie. I guess because the two times in my life I've told the biggest lies it was torture to keep things straight and it's not worth it at all. It's actually kinda weird how much I can't lie even if its about something stupid. And one of my biggest pet peeves is when someone does lie to me.

9. I don't get mad very easily. If I do get mad it's gotta be a pretty big deal and the biggest thing that makes me mad are social justice issues.

8. I'm a people pleaser. Yup, I admit it. I've always known it and I hate it at times because I hate that people can so easily have control over my emotions, but I like that it makes me more selfless and think more of others and what they're feeling.

7. My love language is words of affirmation. The way to get to my heart is through words. I notice when people don't say I love you and if you want to make my day just write me a letter. I love writing other people letters and letting them know I appreciate them.

6. I guess I'm unique...I've realized that a lot of people have used that word to describe me and I used to get offended but I looked up the definition and it said: being the only one of its kind and unlike anyone else. So...I guess this could be said in a negative way but I'm just embracing my uniqueness. :)

5. I struggle with being good enough. I guess this is one of my deepest insecurities. I guess it's also related to being a people pleaser.

4. I'm a pretty adaptable and flexible person. I'll go with the flow and I would rather not have things totally planned out, but if they are that's okay too. I think it can come across like I don't have opinions or am just a follower but its just because I will do whatever and if other people care more than I do then I'll just do whatever they want because I'm content with whatever.

3. I do have an opinion, actually I have a lot of them. I think some people would say I don't often say what I think, but I just don't express them all the time because I don't want to start fights with people and I just want to keep the peace.

2. I'm dependable. I can't say I will do something and not do it. I don't think there's many times in my life where I can say I let someone down or said I would do something and didn't. This also results in me sucking at saying no to things and being over committed.

1. I'm an Introvert. I've spent years denying it and always wished I was more outgoing but I've come to terms with it. And I've realized the true definition of the word means that I get my energy from being alone. I love being around people and spending time with lots of friends but I do get drained if I don't have some alone time.

I figured since I was talking about myself I would include a picture...this is the result of being sick and bored in my apt. all day.

My Top 10 Events of Summer...

2009-08-27T22:09:00.012-05:00

Things have been crazy this last week...came back to Nashville last Friday and have been on retreat and in meetings pretty much nonstop. I'm finally having a chance to relax and wanted to summarize my summer before it got to late...so I decided to do it in the form of a top ten list.

10. Traveling. I basically drove from Michigan to Seattle in the span of two and half months and got to see and experience so many things along the way.

9. Weddings. I got to be in a good friend's wedding and then come to Nashville for one weekend for two weddings. It was so fun celebrating such a special day with everyone!

8. Home. As much as I loved traveling and being all over the place this summer I loved that I was able to relax at home and spend time there with family and friends. Of course home wouldn't be home without a trip to Lake Michigan and I was able to go twice.

7. The sporting events. I attended three major league baseball games and the Seattle Sounders vs. Chelsea game. I got to go to my first Tigers game!! Which was incredible and then went to a Seattle Mariners game and Colorado Rockies...out of the three only the Rockies won. :( Also...I went to the Sounders vs. Chelsea FC game which was so awesome and I'm so glad I got to go!

6. Almost encountering a gun. Leah and I had the great opportunity of running from gun shots while we were in downtown Seattle...long story short, scariest moment of my life to date.

5. Family. I think I spent more time with my family this summer than I have in awhile and it was wonderful. We had our "family reunion" with my aunts and uncles and some cousins which was great and we got spend some time out at the lake house.

4. Wyoming. After my Mom and Dad picked me up at Camp in CO we drove to WY and met Leah and Jake there to do some camping in the Grand Tetons (which are beautiful). We went on a couple really pretty hikes, survived a storm in the tent, and kayaking on a lake in the storm, and only showered every few days...it was great.

3. Seeing old friends. I was able to see Josh and Deanna in Denver before camp and it was so good! It wasn't the longest time but we were able to catch up and I'm so thankful I was able to see them! And In Seattle I got to see Julia, who lives there now, and spend the night with her and we just picked up where we left off.

2. Seattle in general. I'm so glad I was able to spend time there with Jake, Leah and Em. I learned the bus system, experienced city life, did a 5k and had some nice relaxing downtime. I spent more time with Leah and Jake than I have in awhile and it was great.

1. Camp Timberline. Wow. I'm not gonna lie...it didn't start out quite like I expected, but it ended up being an amazing experience that I will forever be grateful for. God shaped me and revealed so much to me this summer through this experience and I won't forget it.

What a Summer...

2009-07-17T18:07:00.003-05:00

I am currently sitting in the QCafe in Seattle and just thinking about how amazingly (is that a word?) blessed I have been by my summer. It has already been pretty incredible and I'm not sure how it could get much better. I was able to spend seven weeks in one of the most beautiful places ever and work with some pretty incredible people. I was stretched and God taught me so much through my experience at camp. I didn't want to leave and loved the relationships I built and the experiences I was able to have through interacting with my campers.

I'm not gonna lie at times it was hard and I questioned often why I was there and what I was doing there, but through that God showed me that we are where he wants us to be and there was a reason for where I was. I never knew it was possible to love kids that much. I just prayed that God would give me his eyes to see and his love to love these kids with and he did. I was only with them for about a week each, but I cared about them and loved them in a way only God could have allowed me to. God surprised me over and over again with different encounters with people. One week we had a really difficult cabin and it wasn't going very smoothly but then on the last day five of them accepted Christ into their lives for the first time...I never would have thought they even cared about what they were hearing, but one girl said before she went to pray..."I can't wait to start my life with God" and just danced around. Or one 14 year old camper who came into camp not believing that God even existed and at the end of the week talking to her and she was able to say its okay to have doubts but now she really knows the Truth and that there is a God who cares about her. Those are the times I won't forget.

As hard as it was to leave camp I got to go camping in the beautiful Grand Tetons with the family (minus Bets) and it that was a blast and now I'm chilling in Seattle with Jake, Leah and Em. Really things couldn't get much better...

A couple pictures of Camp T:

Summer...

2009-05-13T13:06:00.002-05:00

My summer sorta officially starts tomorrow. Me and Becca are off on our road trip to Colorado!!! I'm working at Camp Timberline until July 8th, then camping with the fam, and then hanging out in Seattle for awhile with Jake and Leah. I'm pumped about what my summer looks like but also a little nervous about the camp part. I just pray that I'll be good at what I have to do and that God will use me where he sees fit. Prayer would be appreciated of course. I know God will work in me and through me and I'm excited about that and pray that my flesh doesn't get in the way. I'm praying for all of you that read this also...since I'm pretty sure I know the six or seven of you that do...:)

What I don't get about life...

2009-04-26T01:34:00.000-05:00

WARNING: The content of this blog is the result of a rant and rave. The words are cynical at times. Some things I say may not even be right and I'm sure can be justified in some way, but these are just things I've been thinking about and am really just spouting off. And I know I'm guilty of these things too and I don't do everything right...I'm frustrated with myself often.

- How is it so easy to read the Bible...yet not do what it says? I think people really make it harder than it is, it's really not that complex. Love God and love others and really everything else should just fall into place. What would life look like if we truly treated each person as if they were Christ? Life changing I would say...

- How can people see the pain of the world and just push it away and not let it affect them? I can't even watch one of those support a child commercials without crying. There's a line in the movie Hotel Rwanda where the Rwandans are saying well if they see the videos of what's going on here people will want to help and will do something...then the journalist replies...no they'll just see it say that's awful and go on eating their dinner. That's what happens...I hate that it's so easy to become immersed in our own comfortable "easy" lives that we block out the pain and suffering of the world.

- Gossip. I know I can struggle with this as much as the next person and I hate it. Really when you think about it...who wants to be talked about behind their back, so why do we do it to other people? I hate that this is such an easy thing, especially for girls to fall back on in conversation and that it has become so casual.

- Money. I wish we could exist without it, but that's difficult. I just wish we were better stewards of it. And really...some things really get me angry. Like how a professional baseball player won't settle for a $24 million contract because he wants a $26 million one...what does he do that's really beneficial that he should earn that much money? The other day there was a huge semi on campus advertising about a mission project going on in Peru to raise support for churches...how much support could they have given if they wouldn't have rented that truck? Just sayin...

Again, forgive me...I know its cynical, but these are all things I've been struggling with and praying about for awhile among many other issues. I feel like God's been answering my prayer to open my eyes to the world...I just need to figure out how to handle it I guess. I have a holy discontent and I plan on that leading to changes in my own life and not just being a person who is cynical about everything, because I know that's not beneficial at all.

A picture speaks a thousand words.

2009-04-23T18:07:00.003-05:00

They say a picture speaks a thousand words. This is one of the pictures I have in my room and to me it says a lot. Every time I look at it I usually expereince two emotions. A deep sadness that makes me ache, but also a complete joy. A deep sadness because I miss Zambia so much and I don't know what to do with myself sometimes. When I look at this picture and any others from my trip this summer it makes me miss them. I miss the beautiful people I met, miss the love they have for the Lord and for each other and the great community I experienced when I was there. I don't think I can truly express or have people understand how badly I miss it or how many times a week my heart just aches to be in Zambia.

I also experience joy. Joy that God is working there and I had the opportunity to be a part of that and spend my summer living there. A joy that I was able to experience what so many people don't and that it had a lasting impact on me. A joy that although I know the people there experience poverty, pain, suffering, and death they have hope and peace and know that they serve a God who is bigger than poverty, pain, suffering, and death. I'm thankful for that because sometimes I get so overwhelmed by the suffering and all I know to do is pray. I pray for them often and think of them tons. I don't know what the Lord has planned for me but if it was to go back there I would, or if it was to stay here and pray from afar I can do that too. I guess we'll just have to see.

Opened Eyes.

2009-04-07T00:53:00.001-05:00

Ok so here goes nothing...I know that the few people that really read this are people that care about me (well I hope so) :) and that I know will lift me up in prayer so I'm trying to be honest. I think I've come to a breaking point. I'm not sure if any of this will make sense but we'll just have to see.

I have been struggling lately. Just being in a state of numbness and confusion. I have felt blah some days, great on other days and just clueless overall sometimes. I feel like it's been a roller coaster ride. I've been hurt but am healing and the last few days I've just had some things really heavy on my heart and I couldn't figure it out. I've been praying God would open my eyes to what I need to see.

In this time I've become broken over my sin. I feel like God has really opened my eyes to the filth and dirtiness of my life and it literally disgusts me. Obviously I've always known I've sinned and wasn't perfect but for some reason I feel like I was more blinded to my own sins. I feel like the scales have fallen off my eyes and I not only see myself and what I really look like but also other things in my life.

I'm not sure if this makes sense without going into too much detail but I've been praying continually since the summer that God would break my heart for what breaks his and sin breaks his heart. My sin. Your sin. All of human kind's sin. It's always easy to look around and realize the sin or be judgmental even of the sins of those around us, but it seems so easy to overlook your own sin.

Realizing and being broken over my own sin has made me more aware of God's grace and love in my own life and how that extends to other peoples lives also. I'm a sinner in need of a savior and I think I'm starting to fully realize that concept.

Just ordinary

2009-04-03T15:00:00.002-05:00

So my whole life I've always thought I was just average, just ordinary. Nothing really special about me, nothing that stood out or was too impressive. I really struggled with this last summer in Zambia because I felt like everyone on my team was really good at something and I wasn't good at anything. I re-read through my journal the other night from the summer and I what I read was exactly what I needed to hear. In my journal I had written a quote from a book I read called The Dangerous Surrender.

"Ordinary people. God uses ordinary people. He chooses people just like me and you, who are willing to do as He commands. God uses people that will give Him all, no matter how small your all may seem to you; Because little becomes much as you place it in the Master's hand."

I may be ordinary, but that's okay. I know I'm willing to do as Christ commands and I'm willing to give my all to Him. And I know he can make something I think is just ordinary into extraordinary.

Faith and Promises

2009-03-24T09:50:00.002-05:00

I feel like recently I've had multiple conversations about faith and the power of God. One friend has reminded me that God has the power to answer our prayers and how often do we pray with the faith that actually shows we believe our prayers will be answered? In church we talked about faith and what that means exactly. Having faith in someone or something means you trust they are good for their word or their promises. I know I have faith in Christ and I believe, but I think I forget too much what all God promises us. He doesn't make empty promises and I need to remind myself of that. Before I left for Zambia this summer I made a list of some of the things God promises us.

God Promises:

- His power is made perfect in our weaknesses (II Cor. 12:9)
- The testing of our faith produces perseverance. (James 1:3)
- We will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on us. (Acts 1:8)
- God will complete His work in us. (Phil. 1:6)
- The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard our hearts and our minds. (Phil. 4:7)
- He will comfort us. (II Cor. 1:3)
- He removes our sins as far as the east is from the west. (Ps. 103:11)
- He can do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine. (Eph. 3:20)
- If we seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, all these things will be given to us. (Math. 6:33)
- He will never leave us or forsake us. (Heb. 13:5)
- He will protect us from trouble and surround us with songs of deliverance. (Ps. 32:7)

I know the list could go on and on, but these are just a few. I know we serve a God who doesn't give up on us and doesn't make promises in order to break them. It should be our greatest comfort to know that God can't break a promise. So why does it seem like we forget these so easily and don't truly draw on the power of God in our lives? I don't know why...but I want to be reminded of these promises and that we serve a God who is faithful to those and who will never leave us or forsake us.

Random train of thought...but it's going somewhere.

2009-03-01T19:30:00.002-06:00

So every night since I've been in 7th grade I have wished upon a star. The same three wishes every single night. Corny and dumb I know. But it all started when me and Emily Kopicko promised we would wish upon a star every night when we were apart in the summer. So one is slowly coming true and the other two are lacking, but anyway...it made me think how dumb it is to wish upon a star and that led me to thinking that even though its dumb my wishes are pretty legit. And why is it so easy to "wish upon a star" every night, but not pray about them every day?

Then this got me thinking about how big the sky is and even bigger God is. And then that made me think of the passage in Revelation that talks about the Throne in Heaven and it put into perspective who I pray to and how amazing our God is.

"...There before me was a throne in heaven with someone sitting on it. And the one who sat there had the appearance of jasper and ruby. A rainbow that shone like an emerald encircled the throne. Surrounding the throne were twenty-four other thrones, and seated on them were twenty-four elders. They were dressed in white and had crowns of gold on their heads. From the throne came flashes of lightening, rumblings and peals of thunder...Also before the throne there was what looked like a sea of glass, clear as crystal...in the center, around the throne were four living creatures, and they were covered in eyes...Day and night they never stop saying. HOLY, HOLY, HOLY is the Lord God Almighty who was, and is, and is to come..."

Anyway...random I know, but honestly that's how my brain works pretty much all the time. And it usually leads to some somewhat good thoughts. We serve a huge God that in his presence all you can say is Holy, Holy, Holy...that is amazing to me.

His Kingdom

2009-02-25T20:35:00.004-06:00

It seems that when a lot of people think of God's Kingdom they think of heaven or when Jesus comes back and will bring his Kingdom to earth. (Thank you Left Behind series). And Christians today get so wrapped up in this idea and just believe the world is how it is, in all of its hellishness and/or heavenliness (are those even words?) and they're just anticipating Jesus' return while ignoring the problems and opportunities around them. What people miss is that they can be a part of this Kingdom coming. As Tony Campolo says, "When we talk about Jesus, we must make it clear that he is not just interested in our well-being in the afterlife. He is a Savior who is at work in the world today trying to save the world from what it is, and make it into a place where people can live together with dignity."

This song is great and I can't stop listening to it and explains what I'm trying to say...

Kingdom Coming
Words & Music by Shaun Groves

Oh, God what do we see and hear
Your kingdom coming
Oh, God why do we bleed and fear
Your kingdom coming

Let it come in us
Let it come through us-

‘Til the sword is spared
And the bread is shared
‘Til the dying’s done
Let your kingdom come
‘Til the rich ones give
And the poor ones live
‘Til the weak are strong
Let your kingdom come

Oh, God what do we pray down here
Your kingdom coming
Oh, God why do we slave through tears
Your kingdom coming

Let it come in us
Let it come through us-

Oh, God what do we pray down here
Your kingdom coming

Your mercy come
Your justice come
Your will be done through us on earth
Your healing come
Your peace will come
Your will be done through us on earth

(You can download this song for free on http://www.somethingbeautifulpodcast.com/misc/free-download-shaun-groves-kingdom-coming/)

"Your Kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven".

Blah.

2009-02-24T21:09:00.002-06:00

So it's been awhile since I've written. Honestly...lately I haven't really had anything to say. If you could describe things in one word it would be blah. I don't want to be an "emo" blogger as some would say. :) But really nothing too exciting has been happening and I just haven't been thinking or feeling much lately. I have either felt numb or overwhelmed. So...all of that to say some prayer would be appreciated. One thing I do know is that God is good and he continues to provide even though I don't always see it.

I know it's long...but please read it.

2009-01-28T23:12:00.003-06:00

Tonight I was at Room In the Inn and I was able to sit down and talk with a man named Anthony. He has an incredible testimony. I was moved to tears multiple times and reminded constantly of God's grace and love for us. He said his prayer was that I would get something from his story and be able to share it with others. So here is Anthony's story...

He grew up in West Palm Beach with a nice family, mom and a dad, nice house and all that. He went to college and had a daughter while there. After that he went off the deep end. He said he grew to hate and despise his ex-girlfriend because she wouldn't let him see their daughter or bring her around his family. He got into drugs among other things. His bitterness and hate grew so much that he came up to Nashville, bought a gun, and planned to kill the mother of his daughter. Luckily, she wasn't home when he got to her house. He went back to the hotel and sat...high on crack he decided he didn't want to live anymore. He said he knew the devil had a hold of him and he didn't want to live anymore but he wanted to go to heaven. He held a bible in one hand and a gun in the other. As he pointed the gun to his head a feeling came over him and he couldn't do it. He cried out to God for the first time...and just fell asleep. The next morning after waking up he didn't know how he fell asleep especially while being so high. But he gave his life to Christ, threw his gun away, and felt God calling him back to Knoxville where he was wanted for burglary. To make the story a little shorter...he moved back and got arrested and spent months in jail, but while there started bible studies and multiple prayer groups. Eventually he was let out and came back to Nashville, got a job and started seeing his daughter.

Fast forward a couple years...he lost his job three weeks before last Christmas so that's why he is homeless. He has a great relationship with his daughter, Mayana who is 17, and he saves up enough money from odds and end jobs to get a hotel with her every other weekend so he can spend time with her. And he loves Jesus. His favorite thing to do is write sermons he says. He explained the one he is writing now to me. He talked about how it's hard loving the other homeless guys when they make fun of him or call him names, but he just kills them with kindness and they notice he's different.

I'll never forget what he told me..."I may not have a car, or house, or much money to my name but the joy and peace I have in my life is really what matters". He gets it. He has paid for his mistakes and had to suffer more than many of us ever will have to, but he is forgiven and his life shows that he gets it. He doesn't find fulfillment in what he has or doesn't have, but in the ways he obeys the Lord and is able to love others.

His parting words to me would be that he would pray for me as he went to sleep. That his story would somehow help in someway and it did. It showed me someone that truly understands what it means to be a follower of Christ, no matter what your past is.

That's why God gives us a story...so we can share it and as Anthony said...everything that happens, God gets the glory. It isn't about me or even the exact events that happen, but how through my story God gets the glory. Wise words from a homeless man I may never see again..."As long as God gets the glory through whatever happens, that is what matters."

A new outlook

2009-01-25T21:06:00.002-06:00

I feel like I have a new outlook on life and am renewed. I don't know why it took so long for me to see life this way or what even exactly brought it on, but whatever it was I'm so thankful. I feel like I've realized what I've been missing out on and God has finally gotten through to me. Sometimes I don't think I have the words to express the fullness of my mind and heart.

One thing I've learned through reading the book Crazy Love and just through God helping me is his great LOVE for us. I've always been a romantic and couldn't wait for that perfect relationship with that perfect guy...sometimes it claims my attention in a way that isn't really beneficial. At a worship night a couple weeks ago it was like God tapped me on the shoulder and whispered in my ear, hello! I love you! and it finally sunk in. Whether or not I find that "perfect relationship" I have a Savior who loves me with that love I've thought could come from a human relationship. It doesn't. Only Christ can love us unfailingly and unconditionally. He is perfect love. He is my love story that I've always wanted.

This love has spurred me into action. I feel so fulfilled and content and I want to continue in this love story every day and fall more and more in love with my Jesus. And I want other people to experience this love. I want to love people the way we're supposed to. I pray that God gives me his eyes to see people the way he does. In Crazy Love he talks about how our life would change if we actually treated each person we came into contact with as Christ. How would it?...it would pretty much turn it upside down. I have this deep love for Christ and if I were to treat each person with that love, my world would look so different. And that excites me. I want to love like Christ loves.

There's so much more than God is teaching me. I don't even know if I can put it all into words. I just know that God is good and my life is His. I'm open to what He has for me and I'm learning everyday what that look likes exactly. I have a deep joy and peace that I can't quite express. :)

My Prayer

2009-01-08T16:22:00.002-06:00

Jesus, I need to give myself up. I am not strong enough to love You and walk with You on my own. I can't do it, and I need You. I need You deeply and desperately. I believe You are worth it, that You are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next. I want You. And when I don't, I want to want You. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have Your way with me.

I read this in Crazy Love, in the chapter about "When You're in Love". This is my prayer. Let's just add too that God has amazing timing with things. He meets you where you are and always reveals answers to you when you're willing to pay attention.

I Wish to I Pray.

2009-01-07T13:38:00.004-06:00

I wish I was more outgoing. I wish I was more articulate. I wish I was prettier. I wish I was smarter. I wish I was more confident. I wish I wasn't so hesitant sometimes. I wish I was different than I am.

The point of this isn't to have a self pity party or make it look like I have low self esteem, but to give credit to the reason that although I may wish all these things sometimes I know I don't need them. If you were to ask me a year ago what I would change about myself the list would be long and go on and on. Although this list does exist still to some extent I've realized it doesn't matter. I have truly realized that because I have Christ in my life and that he is the center of me, then nothing else matters. Yes. There's always room for change and improvement but too much of my life has been wasted wishing I was someone else. God made me who I am and we are his masterpieces and who am I to say that he made a mistake in how he made me. I mean I don't really want to insult the creator of the universe. :)
God is my identity and who defines me. My intelligence, personality and looks don't define me. It's so freeing knowing that God loves me. ME. Just the way I am. No matter how quiet I can be or how many times I stumble over my words or how many ugly days I have, He doesn't care. He can use me, even through my weaknesses which most of the time I see as flaws. It's a weight of my shoulder realizing I am who I am because God made me and he'll use me whether I think I have the right characteristics or not. So my wishes have changed into prayers that center around things that do matter...

I pray I'll be used in whatever way God intends. I pray I see people and love people the way Jesus does. I pray God breaks my heart for what breaks his. I pray that God's power is made perfect in my weaknesses. I pray God uses me to bring glory to HIM.

Having the wrong mind set.

2009-01-05T11:22:00.002-06:00

I'm reading the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Which everyone needs to read. It is simple but what he says is something everyone needs to hear and really challenges you and your way of thinking.
He talks about in one chapter left overs and how we don't put importance on the things that matter. We get so caught up in worldly issues and worldly "stuff" we lose sight and don't even know what we really should consider important when we claim we follow Christ with our whole heart. There is one quote about failure that really hit me hard. If you were to ask me one of the biggest fears of my life I would probably say failing and now being good enough. I don't really know how that developed in my life or why I'm that way, but I always have been. I just have always wanted to be good at everything I do and don't want to do something if I can't be good at it. Obviously...this isn't the way God intended us to live. God says, "His power is made perfect in our weaknesses". So my prayer for the last year or so is that I would remember this truth and not be afraid about "not being good enough", it isn't the right mind set.

But the quote in this book I think applies to so many people and especially me,
"Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter."

When I read this it kinda rocked my world. I thought of all the wasted time and energy I've spent on my fear of failure and wanting to be good at all this stuff. What if instead of those fears and worries I would have been thinking about succeeding at what God has called me to and furthering his kingdom. I look at my life and see that I have succeeded at many things that don't matter.

Not gonna lie...one of my first thoughts when I read this was man...i'm a failure at following Christ. I guess old habits are hard to break. But my prayer is that I would lose sight of my fear of failure and being good enough and only think about the things that matter in this world and being Christ to those around me. My fear should be that I'll be succeeding at things that don't really matter and have no impact on God's Kingdom.

Wait on Me...

2008-11-14T00:29:00.003-06:00

"Wait on Me. My timing is always perfect. I know you're anxious about many things and I see your passion for all the plans I have put in your heart. I know that you long to fly, and I see your enthusiasm. However, just as a vinedresser nurtures the vine and waits patiently for the right moment to harvest the grapes, so too am I working tirelessly to prepare you to bear much fruit. Don't run ahead of Me or try to fly before My plans are complete. Your strength will fail you, and your dreams will wither away. Trust Me that My dreams for you are far greater than you can dream on your own. You will run farther and soar higher if you will patiently wait for the season of My blessing. Draw close to Me now, and I promise that this season of waiting will bring you the sweetest of rewards."

Love,
Your King and Lord of perfect timings

Isaiah 40:31

Check out Jake's blog...

2008-11-11T16:47:00.004-06:00

http://delvingalittledeeper.blogspot.com/

So I know I'm a little biased in thinking that I have a the coolest, most intelligent brother...but it is true. He continually seeks out truth daily and he is always teaching me things and helping me learn and figure out the issues of this world. His latest blog is especially good and talks about his thoughts after hearing Shane Claiborne. Check it out. :)

More...

2008-11-10T23:19:00.001-06:00

There is always more.
Always more of God to love, always more of yourself to lay at His feet.
Always more to learn.
Always another way to praise Him. Always deeper understanding.
My prayer for you is that you never "master" being a follower of Jesus.
May you always have a soft heart, ready to be molded by Him.
May you always have something new to surrender to His loving care.
May you find yourself knowing Jesus more every new day.
May you be amazed as you become a more clear reflection of Him daily.
May your love for the Almighty God grow with each passing moment.
May you be dissatisfied with "the way things are" and seek change.
May you always seek more of Him.
May you live in the awareness that there is more..more than we can see, more than we can know, more than we can experience this side of heaven.

I found this again today and I was reminded of how good of a prayer it is and that it needs to be my prayer for myself and for others. I want these things to be true in my life. It is just such a good description of what I want my life to be and what I need to stay focused on in my life. I want to know Jesus more every day, I want to become a more clear reflection of Him daily, I want my love for Him to grow, all of thees things are what I want. So if you can be in prayer with me in this I would appreciate it! :)

Not sure how to say it...

2008-11-04T00:11:00.003-06:00

I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling. I'm angry and feel helpless. I don't think I've cried this much in my life. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by the problems of this world that I don't know what to do or how to function. How can I live in my perfect comfortable American world when there is so much out there that isn't right?

Some days...I can't eat and I get consumed by the thoughts of those out there that don't have anything. I question in these times. Not that God isn't there and that it's his fault, but why we as a church haven't rose to the occasion and found a solution to help these people suffering, not only around the world but in our own neighborhoods. I know my ways aren't God's ways and he does have a plan. That's where I find hope and peace. Knowing that I serve a God whose heart breaks at the pain and suffering of this world. We serve a God that loves us and never leaves us. He is in the middle of the pain and suffering and cries with us.

But I don't know what to do...I don't have the words to say...I feel helpless...and I question...but God is good and it's in him I must put my trust. All I can do is my part in being part of the solution and praying for a solution. I pray that I wouldn't lose this "holy discontent". I don't ever want to become comfortable with what I have and the standards that the world gives us. I will change and help with a solution because that's all I can do. I pray that God would use my life not only to glorify him in all that I do, but to use me as his hands and feet to reach the unreachables and touch the untouchables so that they may know Jesus. I pray that he would ignite the passion in others and in His church so that social injustice won't happen any longer and that people would feel the freedom that comes with following Jesus.

When will this happen? I don't know...what can I do? Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck. I want so bad to hop on a plane back to Zambia...I miss it so bad it hurts. But I'm growing where I'm planted. I'm working on being Jesus' hands and feet where I'm at. I'm allowing God to shape me and stretch me through the turmoil and pain that I go through so that I may serve Him better. I don't want to forget or run away from the ugliness of our world because that's the easy thing for me to do but instead bring something beautiful to it...

The Power of Prayer

2008-10-17T15:31:00.005-05:00

I have really been learning about the power of prayer. It seems like it should be so basic and something everyone just knows but I don't think I've ever truly believed or realized the power of prayer. God has been teaching me this starting this summer and continually every day. One verse we referred to often this summer was in Ephesians and talks about how God can do immeasurable more than we ask or imagine and the verse that talks about how nothing is impossible with God. Do we really believe that and do we pray like we believe it? Those are things that I knew but never prayed like I did. But now I do. There are so many people in my life that I pray for. Even if they think they need it or not or even if they know I do or not...it doesn't matter, because God hears me and he's always working. There are still certain friends and people that my heart breaks for and that I've been praying for for years, but a new urgency has come because I now truly throughout my core believe that prayer is powerful and that God can do immeasurable more than we ask or imagine and that I need to pray continually. So even if I think its impossible...it's not for God.
Just a few people that I love and pray for...

He knows the plans...

2008-10-16T19:18:00.005-05:00

It's so easy to become impatient. Not only in my own life but hearing others talk about theirs and wanting an answer to come to them also. Sometimes I don't understand why things happen the way they do, but I am learning to trust in God's timing and plans. He knows the plans he has for me and my life and I need to find rest in that fact.

I know God knows where my life is going and that is so freeing to me. The God of the universe has a plan for ME, wow. When I read things in the Bible about how we're precious in His sight and how he loves us and will never leave us, sometimes I can't believe that the creator of the world and Savior of the Universe finds me precious. It blows my mind sometimes and I'm amazed at God's grace.

I'm so glad I serve a patient and understanding God. I've struggled with being in school after this summer and wanting to just drop out and move to Africa to serve in the mission field. Not a day goes by that I don't remember and see the smiles of those little kids or the tears of the overwhelmed mothers or hear the overpowering sound of their songs in church. But I know I'm here at school for a reason and there is a season in your life for everything. Going to Zambia changed me and just reaffirmed my call and passion to serve those that are in need and need to know they have a Savior that loves them and calls them His children.

So sometimes I get impatient and do want to just drop out and move to Zambia, but I'm here. As my mom tells me, I need to grow where I have been planted. :) And that's what I wake up every morning reminding myself to do. I am in Nashville not Zambia, but there are still countless ways I can be serve, whether its at Baby Girl's Club, Room In the Inn, hanging out with girls on my floor, or loving those around me, God can and will use me where I'm at and that's something I can't lose sight of.

Praise God that he is patient with me and listens to my crazy ideas and dreams I have for my life. Praise God that he reminds me daily of ways I can love on others around me. Praise God for giving me life and giving me the opportunities that I have to serve. Praise God that he knows the plans he has for me and there's no need for me to be anxious.

A heavy heart.

2008-09-17T20:11:00.002-05:00

I just got back from Baby Girl's Club (BGC) and my heart is heavy and broken. I'm beginning to regret praying a prayer that I've said since before I left for Zambia. I've prayed that God would break my heart with the things that break His and that I would have the eyes of Jesus to see others they way he sees us. I'm regretting it...

I'm the leader of the eight and nine year olds at BGC and today we were doing prayer requests. These aren't the requests I'm used to. A little girl asked for prayer for her dad who is in jail, another whose uncle is "on the run", and another whose sister's baby might be taken away. They started talking about the custody of the baby when another little girl said oh that's what I was...a "custody baby". Little girls shouldn't have prayer requests like this, but they do and it's their life.

My heart breaks when an eleven year old girl tells us she's afraid and hates going home. Her dad just got put in jail and her mom married a drug dealer and they do drugs in the house. What kind of life is that?

How much easier would it be to block all these things out and not care? But I have prayed that prayer and it's coming true. My heart is breaking and breaking and breaking. I can't imagine what God goes through seeing his children going through what they go through. These little girls don't deserve the life they have.

I want to do something for them, but all I can do is love them. I have the chance for three hours a week to show them Jesus and give them the love they deserve, even if it's disciplining them (I had to break up a fight today!) or hugging them they deserve every ounce of what I have to offer. It isn't much but I pray that God can use me and the other BGC volunteers in their life to show them that people do care and are here for them. So if you think about it...send up a prayer for a baby girl and that God would break your heart with what breaks his. It hurts, but is worth it because it allows you to love that much more!

The Haves and the Have Nots

2008-09-17T01:30:00.002-05:00

"Of the 6.4 billion people on the planet, about 1.2 billion are so poor they live on less than a dollar a day."

"In the world today there are about 160 billionaires and about 2 million millionaires, but there are approximately 100 million homeless people."

"Americans spend about $5 billion per year on diets to lower their caloric intake, while 400 million people around the world are undernourished to the point of physical deterioration."

These statements make me want to throw up and cry. They make me want to scream and question. They make me want to do something. These statements come from a book from my Social Problems class. Poverty...a social problem.

Why do so many people have, while so many people have nothing? What are we doing about it? How can we make those that are the "have nots" become those that have something. Something more than the one dollar a day they live off of.

When I read these statements faces come to mind. These aren't just statistics...they are people, families, single mothers, homeless men and little girls. As a wise person in my life says I'm facing statistics that have faces. Not only through the children in the streets and villages this summer, but driving on the road outside my own school and seeing the housing projects, working with Room In the Inn and hearing homeless men's stories, and going to Baby Girl's Club and experiencing the lives of these precious little girls.

Why do some people have and some have not? I really don't know the right answer to that, but I do know that because I "have", a responsibility comes with that. "To whom much is given much is required". Some people say we are blessed...yes maybe we are but what about those in poverty, are they not blessed? Maybe instead of just blessed we're privileged. We're privileged to have what we have and we need to be good stewards of that. Not only good stewards of our money because we really may not have an excess of that, but with our time. I've committed my life to being a good steward of my time, my money and my life. I can't stay in my comfortable so called blessed life while there are people in this world with nothing...I have to make a difference and I pray that God uses me in any way possible to accomplish that. :)

The Journey of Life

2008-09-07T02:04:00.005-05:00

Wow, a lot has happened in this last month or so. It's hard to believe that a month and a half ago I was in Zambia and experiencing the best summer of my life. It wasn't easy coming back home and back to school. I can for sure feel Satan working away at me and trying to find every way possible to make me forget what I learned and experienced this summer. I'm not gonna lie he has been doing a pretty good job. These last few weeks I think I have been letting him win and have been drowned in the temptation to think about all that was and all that happened and forget all that is and can be.
I am in this place for a purpose. I went to Zambia for a purpose and now I'm here for a purpose. Although I did have an amazing summer and as life changing as it was, I can't get stuck in that. As cliche as this may sound, life is a journey and it keeps going. I don't want to be left behind thinking of where maybe "I wish I was" but make the most of where I am.

I have so many great opportunities here at school to serve and to grow. Even though I'm not in a foreign country and pushed out of my comfort zone every single day, growth and service can still happen. I pray that God will continue to ignite that passion in my heart and not let me forget my purpose here on this earth.
I want to spend every single day loving to my best ability and serving. The girls on my floor are one way I'm so excited to serve! They are all so incredible and I already love them and can't wait to see what the year has to bring! Just being there for them makes my day worth it. And Baby Girl's Club is a passion that comes alive every time I see those little girls faces and I just want to love on them more and more every time I see them.

Life wasn't meant to be easy. Your situations and experiences change around you continually, but God doesn't. He is the same God as he was yesterday, today and will be tomorrow. That's why it's so comforting to know that my identity is in Him and not any other person, place or "experience" and that we have a consistent God.

So...yeah I may not be in Zambia anymore and yes it was an amazing and life changing experience but it happened and has shaped me but I need to keep on this journey of life. I need to be willing to be used by God wherever I may be and look for new opportunities to serve and be used.

Community

2008-08-17T00:52:00.002-05:00

Community may be a small word and maybe even an over used words at time but I've really realized this past summer how important community is. I love community. I love being around people. I love having others around you that love and support you and you can go to at any time and you know they'll love you no matter what is going on. I also love engaging in a new community like I did this summer and going to Zambia with three random strangers that I met one day and lived with for the next 8 weeks. We became just like a family and were more honest and open with each other than I have been with anyone. We were authentic and real with each other and vulnerable and through all that we became so close and God used each of us in each other's lives.

God created us to be in community. Not just with each other, but with him too. This summer I have learned how important it is to be in "community" with God. Out of the extended time we spend with our Savior overflows love and lessons in how to be in community with others. We were created to be relational and to be in community.

I love that my major is community development. I have been thinking about that more lately and how just that title really encompasses what I'm about and what I love.
How I love building relationships with people and yeah I may not be the most outgoing person, but I love getting to know people and loving on others. And I want to develop community for those who don't know what they're missing out on, whether its a Zambian child being held for the first time, paying attention to and having a conversation with a homeless man on the street, or showing my Baby Girls that no matter how bad their life at home is they can have a safe place at Baby Girls Club and we will love them.

I think there are different circles of your "community". You will always have your close group, like family and close friends and those are so so important to have for care, accountability and stability. But I also believe God called us to seek out these opportunities to develop community with others and engage in others lives so that they may understand what it should be like to be in community with Christ.

Hopefully all these thoughts make sense, but I just know that community is a great thing to have and something we need. Not only with each other but with most importantly, God. We can't neglect that relationship because it should impact all other relationships. God is good and praise the Lord for all that he is teaching me!

2008-08-09T19:51:00.001-05:00

I can't believe that I'm home. The summer has flown by and I can't believe my time in Africa is over. It truly has been the best summer of my life and has made me realize how great God is! God taught me so many things and I feel like I could go on for hours and hours about my experience. Zambia has for sure become one topic I could talk about forever. :) It's hard for me to believe that at times I was so unsure about going on this trip and it made me nervous just to think about it, but I went and I'm so thankful. Praise the Lord for allowing me to go on this trip because I know that my life will not be the same after. It's like I have a before and after of my life now and it's great. It has been so weird coming back to America and having the buzz of the TV, hearing cell phones ringing, walking into a grocery store and having all the shelves stocked, hearing people complain about so many little things, and not having every child's attention as you walk on the street.

Sometimes its hard not to become bitter or mad about things here in the US and I wonder why we are so blessed in this country. But I do know that God says to whom much is given, much is expected and I believe that more than ever now. My life cannot be the same after this trip and after all the encounters I had with people in Zambia. I don't want to sound extreme or anything like that, but mostly I just wanted to let you know that the Lord worked this summer and I am so grateful for that. My prayer (which actually came from a very wise person I know) now is that God would cement the things that I have learned and experienced in my heart so much that no amount of America takes away what I have learned. I have become gloriously ruined and have dangerously surrendered my life to Christ even more and I love it. If you can all continue to join with me in prayer not only for me, but the people in Zambia and all of the good work that God is doing there.

I leave tomorrow!

2008-05-31T23:55:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone! I'm sitting in El Paso, TX right now not believing that I'm about to leave for Zambia tomorrow! We received our itinerary today and it's going to be a super long time for traveling so your prayers would be appreciated! It looks like we'll fly to Houston, then London, then Johansburg South Africa and then Zambia. We'll get there on Tuesday afternoon. I think it's about 25 hours on the actual planes with some three and six hour lay overs! We also learned exactly what we will be doing. We'll be in orphanages, child development centers, care for dying patients, working with church youth groups, and AIDS education.
Another thing I can for sure update you guys on besides my travel plans is the fact that God is good and has already started working on my heart. He has already taught me so much in this last week. The last week has consisted of a training camp in New Mexico with team building and bonding. He has stretched me and reminded me of his love over and over again. The email would have to be ten pages long to get across everything that I've been learning. And for those of you that were wondering...the team building was great and I actually enjoyed it a lot! :) (I told you God was good!)
I have been reading scripture more this last week then I have in the past and I can't believe what I've been missing out on! I have been trying to find God's promises so I could write them down and be reminded of them daily while in Zambia. The two biggest things were the fact that God never leaves us and that he will be our comfort. There is so much more but I know those especially will be constant reminders.
The people I've met here have been incredible and it's so wonderful to be united in community with people that share the same passion and just want to love those we're going to serve just like Jesus! I can't wait to see what God has in store for me and if you could continue to join with me in prayer. My heart is overflowing with thanksgiving to God who even in my fear and anxiety could teach me and stretch me in ways I never would have imagined! My teammates Julia, Deanna and Josh are incredible and we're already like a family only after five days of being together. They all have a heart for the Lord and it is evident. Well I'm off on this incredible journey starting tomorrow. I can't wait! I don't know when I'll be able to update but hopefully at least a couple times. Prayers are appreciated! My prayer is that I'll continue to be stretched out of my comfort zone and that we can be used to reach those in Zambia so that God's kingdom advances!

It's okay to have weaknesses?

2008-05-23T23:43:00.003-05:00

This is a question that a lot of the time I would say no. I hate to admit it and I'm just starting to actually embrace and realize that I tend to be an over-achiever or perfectionist. I don't know if that's exactly the word you would use to describe me but basically I like to be good at everything I do and I know the potential that I can achieve and anything less than that is not okay so I try really hard. And I'm not okay if I'm just average. I know this is not the right way to think and to be honest I wish this wasn't my mind set, but what can I say...I am a work in progress and God keeps revealig these things to me that are shaping me and stretching me into the person he created me to be.

So my whole life I hated having weaknesses. I would rather ignore the fact and not participate in something if I wasn't good at it, if I couldn't be great at it, why do it?...(please bear with me I'm trying this new vulnerability thing too...which I'm not very good at...) This belief has been changing in me and it hasn't come with it's uncomfortable moments and unwanted incidents, but it's all good for me and I'm starting to realize that it's okay we have weaknesses. Everyone has them and even though everyone's is different and our struggles are different God made us all the way we are, weaknesses and all so how can I ignore that?

Well, I've been trying to prepare some devotionals/testimony for Africa and I was thinking about the power of Christ and trying to focus on that since I know that's what I'll need to get through this summer! I stumbled on a verse I've known well my whole life but it all of a sudden hit me and I "got it". (So much so I am writing a blog at 1 in the morning) :) Anyway here it is:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me...I delight in weakness". 2 Cor. 12:9-10.

Whoa...boast in my weakness? I delight in weakness? I have heard the first part of that passage many times, however, it has never hit home for me, especially vs. 10. I think with this trip coming up I have often been dwelling on all that I can't do and wishing I was better at all these things and God knew exactly what I needed to hear.
It's okay that I'm not good at everything and that there just some areas of life where I'm weak. God made me this way. I have these weaknesses because his power is made PERFECT in those. In my head I would never say my weaknesses accomplish anything...so thank you Jesus that He is perfect and that His grace is sufficient. It almost makes me rest at ease and feel a burden lifted knowing that I don't have to hate that I'm bad at something or dwell on where I'm the weakest. Instead I should delight in these areas of life because God will use me through my weaknesses. I love my God and the fact that he's so patient with us. Thank the Lord that his power can be made perfect in the places in my life that I think are the least bit useful!

Whoa...

2008-05-20T11:20:00.002-05:00

That is the word that goes through my mind when I think about leaving for Africa. It's only one week away and I can't believe it! I have been excited when thinking about my trip but as it comes closer I start to get really nervous! I think it's just the reality of it setting in and the fact that I'm a little overwhelmed by all I still have to do and all the money I need to get in! But then when I start to freak out in my usual way I feel a peace come over me. I'm trying this new thing called trusting in my Savior. Who would have thought?
My whole life I've been a worry wort and I always freak out about things. I always know that I need to trust and God says not to worry but its easy to know that in your head but not to convince the rest of you! But I've been getting better these last few weeks and it just all of a sudden hit me I feel like. I don't know why it took this long but I've just come to the realization that the creator of the Universe and Savior of the world cares about me and loves me so who am I to worry about anything? He tells me not to worry and if he's always with me why should I worry?
So this is my new mindset and hopefully one that'll stay with me especially on this trip to Africa. But I truly feel like not much can go wrong because God is there. Yeah things that I think are wrong and shouldn't be happening might happen, but thats okay because my God is bigger than all of those possible situations.
As much as this is something that is becoming more real to me I still need prayer becaue the Lord knows I so easily worry about everything and everyone...but I'm a work in progress and that's all I can do! :)

Called to a purpose...

2008-04-16T21:13:00.006-05:00

This is my second post in one day...its a record! Today I only had two of my classes and have been kinda taking a break from homework (which is a good and a bad thing) but I've been able to spend some extended time in the Word, reading, and in prayer. I also went to Baby Girl's Club which is always one of the brighter spots of my week! Lately, I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life and what God has called me to be.

I know the high standard that I have been called and I feel the call to do something that only God can fulfill. And as much as I know this I'm trying so hard to figure out what that exactly means. This brings a lot confusion and worry. I have been struggling a lot lately with being in college. I know a lot of people say this, but I truly hate school and I really have hated it my whole life. I hate going to classes and I hate doing homework. I like learning new things and gaining knowledge but I feel like I'm wasting my time and money here at school and if I could drop out and do something I love the rest of my life and having enough to live on I would be content. I just wish I could volunteer and be in ministry to others. I don't want a degree and have to endure the next two years of studies...Why can't I just volunteer the rest of my life?

My brother told me the quote, "Find the place where your greatest passions meet the world's deepest needs." (I think that's right). That's where I want to be. And right now I guess I need to be in school and continue to build up debt and all those nice things, but I'm only hoping it leads to something that I will love and be passionate about while meeting the needs of the world and fulfilling my desire to be a light unto the world and that I can be "Jesus with skin on" to those around me.

Going to AFrica this summer is something I'm so excited about being I feel like it is a part of fulfilling my purpose. And I can't wait to see what God has in store and I'll continue praying for patience with school and praying for guidance so that I can know that purpose that only God can fulfill!

His Blessings are new every morning

2008-04-16T14:07:00.002-05:00

I was reading today in a book called, Life Together. It came highly recommended from my brother and I've only really been reading it in spurts through out this whole year, but it is really good and contains a whole lot of wisdom. The author was talking about how in the Bible there is a lot of emphasis on the morning and how people in scripture praised God and prayed in the morning. He gave many scripture references which was interesting because I never realized it was such a prominent theme.
One thing he said really stuck out to me and made me realize that I don't approach my days in the right manor or attitude for a child of God and follower of Christ. This is what it said,

"For Christians the beginning of the day should not be burdened and oppressed with besetting concerns for the days work. At the threshold of the new day stands the Lord who made it."

This greatly convicted me. I have not been having an attitude that reflects Christ and most mornings I wake up dreading the day ahead and counting down the days until I'm done with school. I am so ready to be done with school and leave for home, but that doesn't mean I need to discount each day and forget that the Creator of the universe made it. I need to stop only looking forward to what is ahead and accomplish my purpose each and every day. Some days I'm not exactly sure what that purpose is, but even if its just sharing love and a smile with someone...that should make my day worth it. So I'm working on it and praying that God gives me patience to finish out the year and a new perspective each morning. :)

My story?

2008-03-26T22:36:00.003-05:00

This may seem random, but I think I'll be able to tie it all together...maybe. :) Today has been a rough day. When I reflect on it now I know that the things I worried about and cried about may seem petty and I hate that they get to me, but it does and if I could change it and make me different I would in a heart beat! Anyway... school is rough. I just hate my classes and its hard to be motivated to study and do homework when you don't enjoy any of your classes and you have teachers that aren't competent and can't teach (this topic alone I could talk about forever, so I won't go there.) And tonight we had a Youth In Mission meeting and I was so discouraged after hearing how good everyone's fundraising is going when mine sucks. I don't doubt that God can and will provide its just so discouraging and hard when everyone else is doing so well.
Well in this meeting too we had to share our testimony with each other. When I heard this I didn't know what to say. I have gone on a couple mission trips and have had to prepare my testimony so many times whether it was for these trips or youth group or whatever, and its always ends up being different.
I got to thinking after, What is my story? Personally, I feel like my life has been pretty uneventful and boring, but I do have a story and I'm just trying to put it into words that can influence and impact those that hear. Since I became a christian when I was real young I feel like my testimony should focus more on what I've been learning and what He is teaching me right now. Well that ends up being a whole lot of stuff and it's kinda hard to narrow down. So right now I'm in a quandary over whether to write a "testimony" right now and just read that whenever I need to in Africa or just reflect on all that God is teaching me then and speaking about that...And then I got to thinking about what a testimony really is and if there's even a specific what you should say and what you shouldn't. I know this is random and probably isn't as hard as I'm making it, but I really don't know what to say in my testimony that I have to have prepared whenever I'm asked in Africa. So I guess I'll be contemplating this until I leave in May. I hear they may ask me to preach a sermon randomly too while I'm over there so thats a whole other story and experience...we'll just worry about that if it comes!

I guess the way this can tie in is I know a part of my story is how I need to try and stop worrying about things and leaving it in God's hands and have him take these burdens from me. Which is part of the reason it's been such a rough day. And if anyone even reads this your prayer would be appreciate about my trip this summer and raising funds and for me to just make it through the rest of the semester! It's much appreciated! :)

Despair in my soul...

2008-02-22T15:35:00.002-06:00

I feel like so many bad things are happening. With all the shootings going on around the world, people I know that are sick, or have passed away and the constant issues of how our world sucks sometimes and I just want to make it better. It just all weighs down on me a whole lot and lately I feel like I've been hearing a lot of bad news and I just can't get over all this "bad stuff" that is happening. I mean I hear about another school shooting, my dad's friend from school passing away, my friend's dad is in the hospital and the list could go on...I don't want to be "Debbie Downer" or depressing but all this has been weighing on me and I feel like every second I just can't help but think about everyone that needs prayer and praying for them. Well...I was reading My Utmost for his Highest today during my devos and something that was said really hit the nail on the head with this subject.

"If a burden and its resulting pressure come upon us while we are not in an attitude of worship, it will only produce a hardness toward God and despair in our own souls."

My attitude hasn't been right the last week or so. I have become so burdened and overwhelmed by these things and I need to stop worrying about them. It is bringing despair to my soul and I wouldn't say a hardness toward God, but I can see how it would become that way. I just wish I could fix everyones problems and I hate knowing people are sad and I want to do something for it. So...I'm working on trust and interceding on the behalf of these people through prayer and doing what I can, which in most cases is prayer. And I've realized that I need to leave it at that. I can only do so much and I need to trust that God is in control and will take care of everyone because He loves them so much more than I do.

Sorry It's Been awhile...

2008-02-14T13:54:00.002-06:00

I didn't realize how long its been since I last blogged until I logged on here. I have been super busy and I guess just haven't had the time. Not too much has been going on since the beginning of the semester. A few ups and downs, but I'm doing good. I have been struggling with some things and I was reading in my devos from a book called His Princess and its like God writing letters to me. It hit pretty much exactly what I've been thinking about lately...

"You are destined to win. I know how tired you often become, just by trying to do and say all the right things. Take that pressure off yourself, because I did not put it there. The world may judge you by what they see and hear, but I look within your heart. I see your desire to please Me, and I see your struggle to please others. If you want to win this endurance race, you must let go of your need for the approval of others and seek my will and My pleasure. Simplify your life, and let go of the burdens that weigh you down. You'll find that My grace will lighten your step and my favor will even draw others to join you. Yes, at times you will stumble and fall. But don't worry. I'm here to help you get back up again-as often as it takes. Make it your daily passion to run with Me, and I will carry you over the finish line of your faith..."

This was exactly what I needed to here. I put too much pressure on myself I think sometimes. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a people pleaser and that weighs on me so much sometimes. And I want God's grace to lighten my step because lately I have felt so weighted down by things. I need to remember to simplify my life and trust that God will carry me. I'm just so amazed by God and the way he works in our lives. God and I are working on a lot of aspects of my life right now so it is feeling like a daily race, but I know with God on my side I will finish!

It's A New Year

2008-01-07T23:23:00.000-06:00

So it's a new year and I kind of have mixed feelings. I'm excited for what this next year has in store, but I'm also nervous and anxious too. And of course I always hate leaving home so it takes an extra positive attitude for me to be happy about being back at school, but I'm working on that area of my life.
A big decision was made for me this break. I found out I was accepted to go to Africa with Youth In Mission. When I first found out I was really excited and then I was hit with a wave of apprehension and worry. I thought of everything that could go wrong and all the reasons I shouldn't go. The fact that I'm not a risk taker (a characteristic I really don't like) was really pushing me away from the thought of going to Africa. However, after much praying, thinking, and talking with lots of people I decided to go. I'm still pretty nervous about this and not sure what to expect, but I know it'll be okay. So, I'll be going to Zambia and it costs about $3700. That's another aspect I'm worried about but I know God will provide.
I was very encouraged by the quote that came with our letter that told us we were accepted. It's by Oswalk Chambers and it says, “If you give God the right to yourself, He will make a holy experiment out of you. God’s experiments ALWAYS succeed!” I just need to keep thinking that whenever I get nervous about the summer.
Also, the same day I found out I was reading My Utmost for His Highest and Chambers writes, "Liviing a life of faith means never knowing where you are being led. But it does mean loving and kowing the One who is leading." If I always knew where I was going in life I wouldn't need faith and there would be no reason to depend on God. I need to realize that God is the only one who knows my future and what wil happen in Africa and I just need to have faith and concentrate on knowing the one how is leading me. So, that's my goal this next semester to continue to know God more and more each day. To prepare myself to share the Gospel with those who have never heard it and to get excited about being God's instrument and experiment.

My Heart is Breaking...

2007-11-28T23:07:00.000-06:00

Wednesday's may be becoming my favorite days. I've always hated Wednesdays because they are right in the middle of the week and just blah, nothing exciting happens and I'm always really tired. But these last few Wednesdays have been different. I have the opportunity to serve and it's starting to become my favorite part of the week. I've been doing Baby Girl's Club which I've talked about before and now for all the winter months I'm involved in a ministry called, Room At the Inn. On campus we bring in 6 homeless men and feed them dinner, give them a warm place to sleep, hang out with them, play games with them, and feed them breakfast and give them a sack lunch.
Tonight was my first time, but I plan on going each week as soon as I get back from Baby Girls.
I must admit that I don't always have the best attitude about serving and God is really working on me. There are so many times when I want to use the excuse that I'm too tired or they really don't need me when really those are all cop outs. I always go and love it and am the one that is blessed by the experience. I love all my baby girls so much and they have nestled their way into my heart and will always be special to me!
These men I met tonight are incredible. One man named Isaac used to be a pastor and it sure showed. i really have never met anyone as passionate as him or even as good at articulating his passion and desire to reach out. He probably told 10 sermons in the two hours I was with him. And I bet he was an incredible pastor and he was so kind and sweet!
These are amazing opportunities that I am a part of and I'm finding that serving others is something I love to do, even though I may not have the right attitude, me and God are working on that! :) But I feel like my heart breaks each time I hear the story of one of the men, or hear about a little girl's home life. I'm not sure what to do with the emotions and all I can do sometimes is pray.
I know that I have been blessed and sometimes I get angry that I have all this stuff and love, and have a roof over my head and sleep in a warm bed every night and more than I need when there are so many people out here who don't have any of that. I don't know what to do. But I do know one thing and it's kinda exciting. I know I have a passion for the underprivelaged. Whether it's the homeless, the poor, orphans or whoever, God has placed this burning passion in my heart and all I want to do is serve them and Him. My brother told me a quote that says, "Find the place where your greatest passions meet the world's deepest needs." I think I've found that place.
One way I'm trying to take action with this is I'm changing up my major a bit. I'm still music business, but my minor is social work and will hopefully change into a double major of music business and Community Development, which is a combination of social work and business so that your'e able to work for non-profit organizations and such. I'm not exactly sure yet how it will all work out, but I know it will. I just know that I have found my passion and my heart is breaking little by little and I want to do something to be the change I want to see in this world!

Life's just a journey

2007-11-09T17:38:00.000-06:00

Today was a great day. I've been struggling lately with just wanting to not be here and thinking God must have something more in store for me, however, my mind set has changed these last few days or so. I want to start living today and not wondering what might happen later. This is where God has me right now and this is where I need to be making the most of every opportunity I have. I hate that I lose sight of that and lose sight of the fact that God knows the plans for my life and I really need to stop worrying about them. So I know that I won't ever stop missing home and I won't ever stop wishing that all of us from high school could be together again. This is a new part of this journey called life and I need to make the most of it. I'm so thankful I have an amazing place to call home and incredible friends from high school that no matter how many miles or years go by we'll still be close. This is a new chapter in life and I want to embrace that for all it's worth and I don't know if I've been doing that. So I want to go into every day making the most of it and seizing each opportunity that comes my way. I want to glorify Christ in all I do and be Jesus with skin on to those around me.

Changing topics here...I'm in a book group for the book The Irresistable Revolution. It's an amazing book thus far and really changes your perspective on so many things and I think it you're heart is soft enough, it really calls you to action. So last night we were talking about how we are so annoyed and frustrated that we read about all the injustice and we don't do anything about it. We see and hear about all the homeless people and know that it's sad and we should do something but we don't. And I'm tired of driving down the road outside of our school and having my heart break over all that goes on and all the homeless people out there. I want to do something. So today, as small as it may be, some of us went downtown just to hang out with some of the homeless guys. We didn't bring them anything we just talked. We met a guy named Dave who pretty much told us his whole life story and there were many times I wanted to break down in tears because of all that he's gone through. One thing he said is how him and his friends although they live on the streets they are humans and so many people treat them like they aren't or that they deserve to be there and it's their fault, that is such a lie and not true. These people have real families, some have gone through more than we can imagine and have hurts and heart ache just like me and any other person. When talking to him I thought to myself, we are the ones that have this wrong and it sounds like him and his friends have it right a lot of the time.

While we were sitting there so many people walked by and gave us questionable glances or totally ignored all of us sitting there. They wouldn't look any of the men in the eye. I know its so easy to be scared, I mean I was at first, but I think just going and talking to them and letting them know there are people out there who cares showed them Jesus. I saw all these families walk by with their kids and iPods and cameras and I just don't know what to think. I don't want to become the average American family who becomes so absorbed in life and lost in my own world that I can walk past a group of homeless men and not even take a second glance, or think twice about it.

My heart and mind are kinda confused right now because I'm not sure what to think. I don't even know if what I wrote makes sense. I just know that God has called me not to be ordinary, but extraordinary. I know that my heart breaks when I walk or drive around the city and I wish I could change the world some how. I know Jesus hung out with the lowest of lows and the undesirable people. And I know that I want to be like Jesus, whatever that looks like. So I'm on the journey of trying to follow what he has in mind for me and live every second for Him.

This explains it well

2007-11-05T15:55:00.000-06:00

God saw you getting tired and a cure was not to be,
so He put His arms around you and whispered,
"Come live with me."
With tearful eyes we watched you suffer and saw you fading away;
we loved you dearly, we could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating;
your hardworking hands put to rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.
God will love you and keep you until we meet somday.

This was on the back of my grandma's program thing from her memorial service. I don't know who wrote it but it describes exactly what happened with us and her. God sure does have someone great up there with him in heaven. I know she is having the time of her life and I can imagine her standing at the gates of heaven and every time someone comes in she says "Oh Jolly Welcome Home!" I can't even explain how much I'll miss her and how my house will never be the same again, but now my goal is to continue living and practicing all she taught me, like how to be a great hostess and love and accept everyone. Even though she isn't here I can continue living out her legacy as I know the rest of my family strives to do to. We lost an amazing woman in all of our lives but hopefully we'll make her proud by the lives we keep living even though she's gone.

No more "Oh Jollys"

2007-10-29T18:36:00.000-05:00

So most of you know, but my grandma passed away this weekend. It's hard and I really struggle with being down at school, but know that it's better for me to be here and be busy then at home just sitting. I am at peace and comforted by the fact that she no longer has trouble breathing, doesn't need help walking anywhere and gets to hang out with my grandpa and everyone else up there. I'm almost jealous somtimes. :)
I know she was ready because she had said it so much when she was here. She knew the Truth and knew that there was so much more waiting for her then what was offered here on this earth. I'm so glad and thankful that she knew that. But as comforting as that is it's still hard and I know I'll miss her tons.
I'll never forget her saying "Oh Jolly". That was all of our goals, we wanted to see who could get her to say "Oh Jolly". I'm not sure who ever got her to say it the most. :) And the countless games of Canasta and Hand and Foot. The first time she taught me to play it, I think I was 12 or 13 maybe and I beat her bad. I was so excited because it was my first time and I won but she really was the master at it. She always has the biggest stocking and the most presents as Christmas and when you said thanks for the presents, sometimes you had to remind her what she got you. :) And then there were her cats...don't mess with them. She loved them the most and as much as we all teased her about getting rid of them she stuck to her guns and always favored them over any thing else. And then there was taco bell. She could eat there every day if we let her. When my parents were gone and I was just with her, every night she wanted to go, and as much as I wanted to make her happy I couldn't take that much taco bell so she settled for only going a few times instead of every day! :)
I know it'll be hard for her to be gone. I'm not excited about going home and her not being there, but I just need to remind myself how much more fun she is having then she has had here. I'll always remember her and all the good times we have had. I loved living with her and sometimes feel like I took for granted the fact that I got to live with such a great lady that blessed me so much. It'll be hard times but I know me and the rest of my family are at peace with the fact that she's resting in Jesus' arms!

Baby Girls Club

2007-10-17T20:33:00.000-05:00

Every Wenesday I volunteer at a program called Baby Girls Club. My friend Jordan asked me to come with her and my first thought was, "I am not good with kids at all so I don' t think it would be a good idea" but wanting to be involved and stretch myself this year I decided to do it, and it has turned into what I look forward to the most each week.
Baby Girls Club is an after school program that Nicole C. Mullen started and runs each week. It is for underprivelaged girls to come and have a safe environment where they are fed, loved, and helped with homework. There also are some girls from the church that still have tons of fun, but aren't quite "at risk".
I was really hesitant to go the first week because I don't have much experience with kids and I wasn't sure what I was getting myself into, but I'm so glad I went. Each week there is another girl to love on, another girl who needs help, and another girl who makes me laugh. I went into this having the mindset that I can be an example to these girls and be a blessing to them, when in reality they are the one's blessing me and teaching me so many things! It turns out that I'm really not bad with kids and I can deal wiht them, it just takes some practice and patience at times. :)
These little girls are amazing! I never knew I could learn so much from them and they could bring so much joy to my life. Although some of them ask me if I listen to "black people music" and get mad at me for not being able to pronounce their names (some of them have some obscure names!) but they always have a smile to share, a hand to hold, and love to give. It makes their day when I sit by them, tell them they have a pretty name, or that they're really smart at math. I love that I can make such a big difference in their life and they make one in mine even if they don't know it.
Today we were working on their calendars that they are making and we are on January and some of the girls found out my birthday was in January. One of the little girls said, "Ms. Abby will you write your birthday on here for me." And I responded, "Donnitta why do you want my birthday on there?" She looked at me like I was so weird and said, "Because you're my friend!!"
It just touched my heart so much and almost made me cry! :) She is so trusting and loving and called me her friend.
And then later on before we left we were praying for Nicole because her grandfather passed away and we said the girls could pray. All these 6-10 year olds praying out loud for comfort for Nicoles family and peace was so amazing. When an adult closed in prayer the little 8 year old girl sitting next to me poked me and said, "I didn't get to pray!" And she was so sad and sorry that she wasn't able to pray for Ms. Nicole. I told her it was okay and she could pray in her heart and Ms. Nicole would know her prayers were with her, she smiled and said ok!
These girls are such a blessing to my life and I don't know what I would do if I ever had to stop going to Baby Girl's Club. God is using all of these little girl's and this opportunity to stretch me and teach me many new things. Through every smile, laugh, hug, and even attitude at times, they bless my heart and make me love them and want to be involed in their life and show the love of Jesus to them!

What's the Purpose?

2007-10-09T20:18:00.000-05:00

So lately I have been thinking what is my purpose here? I guess it kinda goes along with trying to find guidance to all the questions that are swirling around in my head. My mom was here this weekend and she helped me figure some things out, as I knew she would. :) I know that God has placed me where I am for a reason, even though sometimes I don't know why. I know that he has called us to stretch ourselves and to be a light unto the world.
Anyway, I decided that this summer I am going to apply for Youth In Mission and go on a mission trip to Africa for two months. I'm still praying about it and not exaclty sure, but I'm going to put in my application and see what happens. You get to choose three spots you want to go and the people at Youth In Mission decide. So I may not end up in Africa, but that's okay with me. Wherever I end up I know I will be stretched and be able to fulfill my mission of telling others about Christ and making an impact.
Also, I'm keeping my major the same as of now, or at least until I know for sure that God is leading me somewhere else. To be honest I'm not sure where God is leading me at times and I don't know how to figure it out, but I know if I'm supposed to do something else it'll happen and that's alright with me. I just know that this is where my passion is and I am praying that God leads me in the direction that he wants me to go.
So anyway...there's all my random thoughts and what praying for guidance has brought me. Even though I don't always know where I'm going I think God places people in our lives, like my mom, who help us figure it out. I'm so thankful for that and I know that God has my life in his hands and nothing will go wrong if I continue to trust in Him.

Praying for Guidance...

2007-10-02T12:46:00.000-05:00

This last week or so has kind of been an up and down roller coaster at times. Not necessarily a bad one, but nevertheless I have had a lot on my mind and I'm confused as to whether or not these thoughts are my own or God trying to reveal something to me. One thing I've been thinking about is changing my major. I never wanted to be one of those people that change their major all the time or go through a crisis of what they want to do with their life, but that may be me here soon. I don't know why I have been thinking about it, but it has come up again and again. I'm just not sure if pursuing a job in the music industry is what GOd has for me. I really want to do something in my life and in my career that will make an impact for God's kingdom. And does being comfortable and being surrounded by Christians (if I end up in Christian music) stretching me and benefit the kingdom of God? Sometimes I don't even know if I can live this plush life in the U.S. and still fulfill God's mission. I know that might sound a little extreme, but right now all my thoughts are confused and I'm just trying to figure it all out! So...that's at the top of the priority list right now.
Another thing is my summer plans. I know that summer is far away and I shouldn't be worried about it, but some of the things I want to do, the deadlines are coming up. Today in chapel and man came and talked about Youth in Mission which is through the Nazarene church. There are so many places you can go and I think thats what I want to do with my summer...so I'll be praying a lot about guidance in that area.
Right now I'm just praying for guidance in every aspect and hoping God shows me where I'm supposed to be. And that He reveals to me the place where my passions meet the world's deepest needs...

More...

2007-09-23T13:19:00.000-05:00

I was looking through some of my old stuff today and I found something that Mel Hayward wrote to all of the seniors when we graduated. At the time everything was a little crazy so I don't think I even fully read it, but I saved it anyway. When I found it today I really liked what she had to say and it is a great reminder that I should probably read and reread every day. So anyway here it is...
There is always more.
Always more of God to love, always more of yourself to lay at His feet.
Always more to learn.
Always another way to praise Him. Always deeper understanding.
My prayer for you is that you never "master" being a follower of Jesus.
May you always have a soft heart, ready to be molded by Him.
May you always have something new to surrender to His loving care.
May you find yourself knowing Jesus more every new day.
May you be amazed as you become a more clear reflection of Him daily.
May your love for the Almighty God grow with each passing moment.
May you be dissatisfied with "the way things are" and seek change.
May you always seek more of Him.
May you live in the awareness that there is more..more than we can see, more than we can know, more than we can experience this side of heaven.

That is my prayer for myself and for others. I want these things to be true in my life. It is just such a good desciption of what I want my life to be and what I need to stay focused on in my life. I want to know Jesus more every day, I want to become a more clear reflection of Him daily, I want my love for Him to grow, all of thees things are what I want. So if you can be in prayer with me in this I would appreciate it! :)

Failing...

2007-09-11T18:44:00.000-05:00

So as the year is starting and things are starting to come together and as I'm trying my hardest to prioritize my life and find a routine, it seems like this year is going to be one of stretching and God teaching me a lot of lessons. :) I know this should be a good thing and I know it will all turn out alright in the end, but when you're going through it, it is tough.

Something I have been struggling with lately is failing. Now failing is something I hate doing. I don't mean to sound conceited or big headed but it really isn't something I'm used to doing and at this moment I wish it came a lot easier to me. I just hate doing something unless I know I'm good at it. That's why I hate trying new things sometimes, because I might fail. Well in starting this new semester and new classes it looks like this classload is going to teach me many things about doing something that I'm not exactly good at. I'm struggling in some of my classes and it isn't something I'm used to and it's really stressing me out. I know grades shouldn't stress me out (that was for you mom) but to a certain point I can't help it. I don't like not being good at what I'm doing. I feel like failing at things is starting to become a pattern in my life.

So today when I was in the middle of chastizing myself for everything I wasn't doing good at, I decided to make a list of goals so I can at least have my priorities straight and make me feel better and then I realized "you know what it is not by my strength that I am going to be good at life, I have got to stop depending on myself and thinking that I am just going to sail through life." I know that I need to depend on God for strength because if I don't I will for sure fail at everything. I can't be a good RA or a good student if he is not the center of all that I do. So although I do hate this failing stuff I guess God is trying to teach me a lesson. My weaknesses are becoming known, but God will make me strong and that is my prayer. That he will be glorified even in my weaknesses. And that this lump of clay, will be shaped into what he wants and if that includes going through some failures, I guess that is what has to happen. :)

I'm trying to keep a good attitude and remind myself to depend on Christ instead of myself and not get discouraged by earthly things that don't entirely matter too much, like grades. So if you want to pray with me in that I would greatly appreciate it! It's just so hard for me to focus on the good when all I feel like I'm doing is not good enough.

Who would have thought...

2007-08-29T22:05:00.001-05:00

So today I was dreading my first homework assignment. Let me just tell you I was not prepared for classes to start at all! My mind is just not in it. It looks like Tuesday/Thursday classes will be fun and eventful and then Mon./Weds/Fri. classes will be boring and not fun at all! But we are just going to focus on the positive for now. So I was dreading my first homework assignment because it was to read 50 pages. However, when I started reading I was surprised to find out that the book I have to read is soooo good! So it's for my Business Communications class and its called "How to Win Friends and Influence People". In just the first 50 pages I have learned so much. Not only practical advice to my future career, but also lessons that can be applied to my every day life. The first part talked about how in today's society a common way to go about things is by critizing and condemning others. He had countless stories and examples about this and his main point was how much better your life and others will be if we stop focusing on critizing other people and be encouraging and build others up instead. Instead of condemning people and critizing them we should take a moment and stop and try our best to understand them. We have no right to speak ill of someone and instead of wasting our time and energy critizing someone we should be focusing on improving ourselves first. I know my time would be way better spent if instead of critizing others, whether out loud or to myself, if I would focus my time and energy on understanding them and putting myself in their shoes. I wish it wasn't so easy for us as humans to be so quick to judge or condemn others and I would like to say that it isn't something I do often, but I do it more then I would care to admit. It is so easy to look down on others and focus on their faults instead of our own. So anway...who would have thought that a class book could teach me so much in one night. There is a lot more good stuff in it and I would highly recommend it!
And on a random note...I talked to Jake today through Skype and it pretty much made my day!! He is doing well and is moved into his apartment and adjusting to Chinese life I guess you could say.

A new year...

2007-08-27T01:40:00.000-05:00

So…it is a new year and I’m excited, nervous, scared, anxious, and happy. I know there is a lot of new experiences out there waiting for me and I know this year is going to be a lot different then the last. I have a lot of hopes and expectations for the year and am worried they won’t be met. I sometimes feel like I’m not cut out for the position that I’m in and wonder if I will be good at it.

I want to make an impact on my girls. I want to be a welcoming person to them and be an example in Christ. I want them to be able to look at me and be like, I want what she has. And I want to do all of this as Christ as my motivation and nothing else. I can’t be motivated by the desire to be well liked or well known.

I need to keep Christ the center of everything I do and do what I do out of my desire to honor Him. I can’t do things simply because I will receive something in return, like recognition, but I must do things to bring glory and honor to his name. The question I must ask myself every day with every action is, who is this giving glory and recognition to? And what is my motivation behind this? Everything I do must be motivated by the desire to please God and then everything I receive extra is just a blessing. That needs to be my mind set.

I do have a passion to impact and encourage these girls and I admit that I do have a desire to be well liked. I can’t let this desire influence me in my role or impact my feelings for other people who I may feel like are having more of an impact. We all have our place and I may influence some more then others while others may influence some more than me. I want to be obedient to God’s voice and do what he wants me to do.

I want Christ to become more and more real in my life each and every day. I want his love to flow out of me from the inside out. I must decrease and he must increase. I want Him to be so evident in my life that it is noticeable. I want my speech to build people up and encourage others, and not full of gossip and negativity.

I want to be a lump of clay in God’s hands so that he can mold me into whatever he wants. I no longer want control. I have no idea what is best for me and what is going to happen in my life, God is the only one that knows that. So why would I want control?

I want what I want to be what God wants. I want to be so in line with him and his plan for me that I know I’m making the right decision and I’m able to discern what’s right and what’s wrong. No longer do I want my actions and personality to be motivated by whether or not people will like me, but instead motivated by my love for Jesus and desire to honor him.

So it is a new year. And yeah it is exciting, nerve racking and scary, but all those fears and anxious thoughts are pushed aside when I think about all God can do in me and through me this next year. I know there will be ups and downs, but God is faithful and he is with me every step of the way and with that reassurance, how can I worry?

Just a lump of clay

2007-08-27T01:21:00.000-05:00

So this is my first blog. It seems to be the trend these days and ya know it's a place where you can just get your thoughts out and let others know what's going on in your life. I doubt anyone will read this, but who knows I don't really care. :) I just enjoy reading other people's so I wanted to start one. It might sound stupid but when I made it up I was like man I need to think of a cool title. I thought about this upcoming year and how my goal is to become more and more the person God wants me to be. I want to be molded into a woman after his own heart, hence the name of the blog, just a lump of clay. Because that is all I am. I am a lump of clay in God's hands. He can do whatever he wants with me and I want him to. I want him to mold me and shape me into what he wants me to become. He has control. So that's my new motto in life...I'm just a lump of clay. I don't have the control, but God does and by all means...that's quite all right with me! :)